Musings --Sadly, yes.

Happy leap-year-day.

Sigh, so much to do and yet I'm slacking off. Well, it's my resting period before I put on my armor and charge mindlessly at the stack of homework.

... There's so much to write. For ES, I have to submit either a poem, prose or any other kinds of writing for the Montage edition. And sadly, it will get booted out by the editorial team. Helium's so awesome, she'll get in for sure. It'll be fun to see what she writes. :D

Also, there's this kind of competition thingy that requires us to write, every class has to have two participants. I don't know what to write, and it has to revolve around a certain strange word... That, will be a challenge.

Also the FPSP, it will be interesting, but I am a little afraid of the outcome. Will it work? I mean, it sounds so addictive, yet with a hint of difficulty within. How can I express my character's thoughts when they are muses and when I'm in charge of keeping the secret until the end?

Three writings. Deadlines. Dramatic tension.

... I'll try my best.

Ollie can do it! ^^

Tears that glint

At the end of every tunnel, there will be a light.
Ollie believes in that, strongly.
Even though she still understands the cruel reality of life.

It pounds through her head
a chant, a mantra
something not easily forgotten

and the shame of all those memories creep
up, gliding their cool fingers up and down your arms
they chuckle, don't you remember?


The beauty of ignorance is not to be underestimated
but truth is always so eagerly chased by
withering, wild flowers whose petals crease

Ollie is certain.
it sounds cheesy but to seek the truth
ain't it our hearts' greatest desire?

Ollie believes in the truth
no matter how tarnished and fractured
she will piece them all up together.

they will reflect her ghastly scars
that mar her arms
etching a deep sin of unforgivable misery down into her bones.

Stay strong, light the fire.
i will be there.
we will be there.

almost burning out,
not quite so; shadows that thaw in the blistering sunlight.
the rays falter a little, only to glint brighter.

don't tears, too?
even within those salty droplets
they sparkle; a new beginning, a ray of rainbow.

'everyone wants happiness, nobody wants pain
but you can't have a rainbow 
without a little rain.'


Stay firm,
grin cheesily
fear not fear itself

stand tall
shine bright
even tears will glint with delight

for sanity, it is a curse upon
fools that stick together with vanity and pride
stumbling upon their confusions and conflicting statements.

Ollie knows, she whispers childishly.
Ollie will not give up,
for it is useless and time-consuming in this short life

she grins and skips away
her head in a tilting position
and she mouths, ain't that the truth?


_________________________________________________________________________________


I believe there will be a second part to this. :D

Gallows Bell Music Box :)

Ah, so endearing. Sweet and calming, yet it makes me want to cry.

It's so innocent~

But it's about this guy who's going to end the girl's life, with his own hands.

The girl forgives him many times,

but he still can't forgive himself, 

instead turning to suicide. TT^TT

How sad. 

Sigh, I just love Len and Miku~

What was that?

... T.T;;

Ollie :D

Musings -- there are some kind people in the world, after all.

:)
Alerted them of a missing thumb drive and people from different levels replied.
It was just a small message from a junior, someone they didn't even know, yet they still replied.

Dear Ollie...

It was endearing and yet so cute.
To be serious, I didn't expect them to actually answer. :)

What the fish is Euler's number? I can't believe it actually exists.
Ha. :)
and i is an imaginary number.
1 is the first number for most sequences...
0 is the first non positive whole number.
Pi is an irrational number and people celebrate Pi day.
e... is an irrational periodic number.

I still don't get it... TT^TT

Caught

Is this farewell?
She sings out a scratchy note,
scratching her head, nonplussed.
it is the truth;
for no other note could ever replace this one.
yet so fragile, it gets clasped in her throat,
the scars opening up,
red scarlet running through her fingers
while they anxiously comb through her hair.
it is dangerous, devastating and enchanting.
it feels almost a sin to divert her attention.
dust, thick and lazy, streams about her in a quiver.
the cobwebs are torn apart (mercilessly and callously).
she coughs out the waxy liquid
as they litter her body with frantic kisses.
desire, almost lust.
she can no longer run away.
hold her breath, hold her breath.
it steals her heart away and she gasps.
gasps.
This, is the end.

Spun into a web of lies,
conflicting unimaginable elements that matched so well
it keeps the light at bay,
she spreads the jam evenly over the surface,
grins and the magic is cast.
already told, the tales of her tears.
legends, myths.
they whisper conspiratorially with an exaggerated wink.
the cowering figures hide in the corner.
guilt touches them with her presence,
giggling innocently (but not quite so, not quite so)
gracing their ripped conscience
as she bows in mock-honour.
this is no place for you. come with me.
come with me.
she lights the spark with promises
wildly beyond their greatest passions.
sarcasm sidles itself comfortably along the words that drop from her lips.
it coils like a snake around them, hissing politely.
ignorance, greed blinds them.
doom, is all their futures spell out.

don't.
don't.
don't.
don't.
DON'T!
... you could have just listened.
__________________________________________________________________________________


This is the full version of 'Caught'. :D
Wrote it on a whim. :D

Ollie

Hello, how are you?

Hello, how are you?
It seems really tiring, trying to catch some sleep on the bus (while standing) and trying not to fall.
Amazingly, just before cca, I stood at the parapet, feeling the rain beat across my face and body.
And I just stood there, sorta dazed by the beauty.
And then inspiration just hit me. It was only a slight flurry of rain, not heavy. The sky was rather bright and I wondered lightly, if there would be a rainbow. :)
It was cold inside the conference room. Like, freakishly cold. We had activities which were rather weird and I mused lightly at why there should be ccas and all. Seems kinda out of point. I mean, organising all those competitions when no one is going to participate willingly?

But I'll try my best to enthrall my class.

I suddenly feel as though a weight has been raised from my shoulders, before doubling the effect, making me slouch and groan under the pressure.
Art was horrid, yet so funny. It was just so funny to hear Joanna exclaim some really (in my mind) perverse words without-- well, she is kinda naive and innocent. I feel so bad for corrupting her now.

Y'know, it's impossible to read the same book over and over again without realising a few points. I drummed my fingers against the table, humming a tune lightly. It's a habit I can't get rid of (or won't?) Because it just seems so attention demanding even though I was merely bored. Sometimes I feel so fake, so--what's that word again? I'll get back to it anyway. It's as though I hate maintaining eye contact with certain people, because their bluntness and intelligence make me fear that they can see me through; those careless tugs on my skirt and flipping of hair, before decreeing that I am so unnatural.

And it just gets worse because I know I just don't belong anywhere.

And I'm just so tired.

Ollie

give me something that'll haunt me

she, was simple.
she wanted something so innocent, he couldn't resist.
pointing at the piece of paper, she cried out in her soprano.
he retrieved it for her.

the beginning of a bond.

it is raining,
the thunder wrecking all of her peace as she cowers in a corner.
he arrives in time to comfort her.
and she grabs the warmth without hesitation.

we'll just have to watch and wait.

the desires she craved,
presented in front of her.
her humble servant bowed.
and she felt the world.

he was the world to her.

but as she grew,
lusting for more,
her insatiable diet for everything
she yearned to possess.

just as she was to him.

to feel the sheer feathery weight on her fingers,
silk dancing around her flawless complexion
and gold that cupped her fingers
with respect and awe.

but she owned the world.

nothing was ever enough;
it grew, the monstrous want.
demands that he couldn't satisfy,
uttered from her perfect lips.

and of course, she owned him.

she wanted the stars,
so he gave her his eyes.
the bright wondrous sparkle of hope within them.
they shone, like the stars.

and she flung them aside.

she wanted ability, talent.
so he gave her his limbs.
they crafted meticulously,
in process of building the demon within her, unconsciously.

but she scowled.

she wanted recognition,
so he gave her his smile.
one that she used to delight in,
something that pieced together her broken soul.

yet she still wasn't satisfied.

she wanted more, more.
yet it was only his soul that was left.
without hesitation, he delivered it to her.
she stared in awe.

but rejected it.

his heart, still pulsing.
his mind, still whirling.
his soul, broken.
as his sanity flew out of the window.

he, was eternally bonded to her.
i, am your master.
and you are of course, nothing.
nothing but entertainment.  

__________________________________________________________________________________

Wow. How sad.
TT^TT poor 'he'.
inspired by Sparks Fly by Taylor Swift.
angst. angst.

Ollie

What is a song to you?

我真的，好想为你唱一首歌曲。

I really want to sing for you.

似乎，如果不唱出爱情的曲子，就会很痛苦。

It's almost as though not confessing will leave me in pain.

但，又一点儿害怕被拒绝。

And the fear of rejection that pricks my skin.

只好，憋住，忍着，把它困在心中。

I'll just have to keep it within my heart.

远远地爱着你。

And love you from afar.

KYAH! It's like, almost every single post has to have some Chinese in it! I, am suffering. From an acute loss of ENGLISH!!!! I know it sounds so weird and wrong... But still...

AND WHAT'S WORSE IS THAT MY CHINESE IS HORRIBLE~

TT^TT sighs. 

Listening to Packaged by Hatsune Miku, remembers chat with Mantou.

Mantou's so cute!

But sad as well. Just as I am. And you know what?

She reminds me of all the 全家福 ppl mixed into one. 

I see F-A's sadness within her.

I see Egg's sarcasm within her.

I see Ken's gracefulness.

I see Brigitte's cool attitude in her.

I see RT's sheepish smile.

I see Nut's maturity within her.

I see Phoebe's hesitation within her.

And of course, Char's C-pop fangirling inside her.

It feels quite wrong; why am I replacing all of them with her?

And now I'm presented with the choice to form another family portrait. 

I don't want to let go.

But it's really, silly to keep hanging on.

Should I?

songs. words. meanings. love. emotions. catchy. related. messages. melody.
ah. keep. it. there. and. start. the. spark. for. me.
can. you. hear. the. melody. i've. been. singing. out.?. does. it. reach. you.?.

不知道为什么，但最近总是想哭。
似乎是因为感到不安。
我又回到了小六的情形；不知如何是好，发现自己似乎好假，就像每天都在依靠面具，连真正的自己都给忘了。发觉了自己根本不属于这个星球，自己的火箭炸了，才只好入进地球。
少说些话，多笑，自然一点，不要随意缠着别人。只要安静一点，躲在角落头，细心地观察，不要惹事沈飞就好了。
我仿佛把真正的自己给忘了。
忘了好，忘记丑陋的自己，好好过个人生。
不要再往回头看；快让回忆飘浮走，撒到天涯海角。

Musings --Huh?

Sometimes I just don't see my purpose in life. It seems so foggy. Just as how doubt is clouding over my head.
Sometimes I wonder if what I'm doing really is pointless.

And then I just finally realise that I don't belong anywhere.
Because all I do, is just to cause trouble and hurt to people.

So then, what is my purpose in life?
If it's to hurt people, maybe I should just go and die.

Today's exhibition was disappointing; I hadn't expected an empty room with no one but us. And as hard as I tried to pull people in, all I did was to cause trouble. So I mused over and over again in a corner.
And I really missed my friends. The bright light was too revealing for my liking and it was just too cold. The sound of rain beating against the windows was disturbingly morbid. As though it fueled my suicidal thoughts.

Morning

Morning. It spells a lot for her.
It is the imaginary hope, the sudden breakthrough. The invisible sun that rises ever-so-slowly, the black backdrop lighting up. It is the struggling flame that trembles at every gush of wind. It stays there, fading a little, only to come back alive, stronger than before. The cycle repeats. It is the powerful echo of the drums, signalling victory. This, is what it means to Andrea.

Yet she is draped with darkness, the sin swooping over her shoulders, engulfing her heart. Night, night. Not even the luminous glow of the moon can be enough for her thirst. She wants hope. She wants to see the light. Selfish desire, indeed. For they are eternally bound to darkness, fear, dread and terror. A curse that sets a chilling breeze down their spines. It is the constant reminder of their retribution. Andrea stares up, at the ceiling. How long more...?

The four cold walls are suffocating. They are pressing down on her, mocking her attempts to breathe. Cackles erupt from them, and she shudders. It will be time before she is released. Patience, she reminds herself. She hugs her pitieous soul, wrapping her arms around her sorry fate. She is innocent, yet tainted by the sins of her family. She laughs at how ironic it sounds. Just convicted because of her father's sin of stealing bread.

Well, at least they serve us food here, good job, dad, she muses sarcastically.

Andrea pushes her messy hair away from her face, sighing. How has everything changed? It is too dark for her to even see her own fingers. They feel bony, rough. The air is musty, stuffy and cold. Perhaps it would be soon; she has lost count of the dates. Night forever hangs upon her, there is no warmth of the sun, not even the directing twinkle of the stars.

"112, time to leave." The hoarse chuckling of the guard.

She smirks. Perhaps they might execute her in the night, just to torture her further? She gets up from the corner and strolls casually out of the cell. The dust that swirls around her form is barely visible. Maybe they were kind enough to let her taste the sun for the last time? She allows the guard to hold her hands, tying them with a rope, using more brute force than necessary. She winces, glaring at him. He is amused, rolling his eyes.

With pride, she struts out of the prison, dragging the guard along with her. The sun is glaring, blinding her. Squeezing her eyes shut, she beams and giggles, feeling the sunlight pour onto her fragile body. She breathes in deeply, hoping to forever remember the air of freedom. Morning, morning, morning. This was her breakthrough. Though it was only temporary, she nods wisely, peeking at the guard. He is stationary, waiting for her to lead the way. Perhaps he was kind enough to only let her enjoy this last moment.

"Let's see the blood and gore! Move on!" She squeals delightedly, making the guard stare in disbelief at her.

She tugs lightly on the rope, a wry smile taking over her grin. He trots in front of her, grunting occasionally. Finally, she arrives at the execution stage. It seems almost amusing; so many of those people who didn't even spare her a glance when she begged for food, now here to witness her death. Maybe people were sadistic. Excited chatters filled the area.

"What date is it?" she mouths to the guard.
"Second July," he murmurs back.

She nods anxiously. Her birthday. And also her death day. How amusing.

"Any last words!" A shout is heard.

The shuffling of feet as the crowd squeeze forward to hear her.

She rolls her eyes and gives a noble toss of her head, "Well... Good morning everyone! It seems my birthday wish is fulfilled!"

She shuts her eyes firmly, inhaling as much of the morning air as she can.

blackout.

我，傻傻地看着父母。做对了吗？
起初，我以为我做的，都是为了你好。但我听见了你的哭声。。。。。。
我。。。。。。做对了吗？

虽然太老套了，
但我只能说，
“对不起。我爱你。”

朋友－－小说

我的世界就像一间房子。房子是多么黑暗，冷淡。 希望，就像在冬天里点着的蜡烛，那微弱的火种不停的晃摇着。一股寒冷的风吹过，把那点希望给灭了。我破碎的心灵，被刀割伤的疤痕都留在房子里，不让别人看见。我，恨被别人同情。那些虚伪的安慰，让我起鸡皮疙瘩。什么‘我了解你的心情’和‘你别再哭了，又不是世界末日’，那些谎言，我厌恨。

谁会了解你的心情和想法，说出真心话，而不是匆匆忙忙地敷衍几句？你的每一滴泪水，每一丝笑容， 谁又会在你没解释的情况下，马上理解？在你最需要安慰时，不顾三七二十一，飞奔到你身旁，给你一个温暖的拥抱？又是谁，不会推你下水，不会是一个落井下石的叛徒？那个人，只有在镜子里出现；你。

他们太天真了，真可笑。伸出援手，尽力帮忙？那种情形只会在童话故事里发生。世界从来都不是那么简单。每个人，做出的事都有着目的。 真心想帮助别人--那种老套的解口，哪个傻子会相信？世界是阴暗，可怕的。就像个陷阱，没有人值得你的信赖。一次错误的信任，就会落进无底洞，永远在社会上找不到自己的地位。狡猾的骗子躲藏在影子中，耐心地等待一个下手的机会。狐狸一般奸诈的眼睛瞄着你每一步，在以貌取人。一次表现出自己的脆弱，缺点； 你就别再渴望他们的友情。是，世界就是多么恐怖。

这也就是我为什么在幼小，易碎的心放上锁；房子从不有过窗口。我在保护自己，不想受到伤害。虽然有时会感到孤独和嫉妒，但我不敢和别人接触，因为拒绝的痛苦会让你无法忍受。当泪水簌簌地落下你的脸颊时，那针对你的嘲笑声就像一万支箭，插入你的胸膛。

大家叫我‘冷酷王’，常常避开我。只有一个女生，每天都在和我谈天说地。她有着一头乌黑秀发，灿烂的笑容，是每一个男生的女神。个性开朗，蹦蹦跳跳的精神，为什么会与现实主义者，冷酷的我交流？她是涵菲菲，班上最受欢迎的女生。涵菲菲 是班长和篮球队伍的领袖，凑巧也是我的同桌同学。

“苏童！你好！”她那般甜美的声音，真令人嫉妒。

菲菲是一个唯心主义者，十分幼稚。她相信大家是善良的，有一天，世界会和平，大家都会快快乐乐地生活着。我厌倦这种类型的人，但面对菲菲，谁会讨厌她？那般和星星一样闪亮，水汪汪的大眼睛，被希望点燃。我，羡慕她，因为她还有希望，还不顾一切地追求那点希望，把它传达给大家。跟菲菲比起，我是一个空箱子， 太过孤单了。

我瞪了她一眼，她为什么不要离开，或要求换位？她为什么要折磨我，让我更加自卑？她却向我挥手，笑容满面。看见完美高兴的她，我根本不应该存在。我的存在，还不是多余的？我，好寂寞，好孤独。 我自从把心放上锁后，没有再哭过。那。。。这一滴液体，不停地从我眼睛掉落的是什么？

“苏童？你为什么在哭？”菲菲着急的声音。

我抬起头，傻傻地看了她一眼。但她的身形模模糊糊的。我把液体擦掉，但新的水滴取代了它们。我。。。在哭吗？菲菲紧张地把我的泪水擦掉。我痴痴地看着她，不知如何是好。时间似乎停顿了。我把脆弱的自己让大家看到了。第一次，没戴上面具，整个人突然感到轻松了。突然感到一股温暖。菲菲已扑上前，把我抱进怀里。 感到安慰，感到暖和，似乎有了朋友。我闭上双眼，等她从背后捅我一刀。我却感到更多的手，拍着我的背。

“苏童。。。”菲菲主动说道。

“我们是你的朋友啊。你为什么在避开我们？”小曼轻声细语道。

朋友。朋友。那个字，带给了我希望。

希望着世界不是像我描述的那么可怕。希望与朋友，那不是我锁头的钥匙吗？

__________________________________________________________________________________

Dedicated to all mai friends! It's the first blog post I've ever written in CHINESE!!!

朋友，我爱你！

苏童 :D

Electric Angel~

I know I'm not that good at singing, but I'll do my best too.

It gives me a kinda hope that we'll be together forever.

Singing deep from the heart, expressing the words, attaching invisible memories within them...

Can you see them?

Like my friends, you have brought me hope, joy and songs to sing [not forgetting tears when I read the new emails written to me]. I was just so touched. 

With this innocent [maybe not so] little heart of mine, I'll dedicate another piece to all of you again, I'll try to reach the skies from the deep abyss of the sea.

I'm sure I'll do it. I'll sing it all out to you and assure you of my innocence that sparkles.

Somehow, despite knowing how life is cruel, there is something childish within me, the monster that rages tiny insignificant wars and grins with delight. It is reappearing again, and my will to prove that even we cannot stop ourselves.

I'll do it, and I'll touch you from the bottom of the pit I've sunken into. 

Because I love you.

I'm staring hard at my email screen, wondering what to type.
Am I the only one who's doing so? The only one who is really trying to make an effort to keep my promise? Once a month, we bargained.

And...?

And again, the tears that well up.

They will, they will. I tell myself.

Again.

Musings-- Reality is boring, admit it.

Where is the thrill in our lives?
The excitement, adventure?
Eventually spinning out a new legend for ourselves.
--
In the movies.
--
How to get into a movie?
--
Movies are fake.
It's just imagination!
--
Hm, so where to get an extra bout of inspiration?
--
Maybe if we were in the future, we'll be able to buy inspiration!
And it's like a stimulating incident that continues forever until we die or want to get out!
--
Inspiration can't be bought!
It's for ourselves only, originality!
--
Non, imagine a good composition.
--
It is sold for inspiration for greater compo.
--
Yes! But the better compo is built on the original one.
It's not INSPIRATION!
--
Pfft, it's just a copy, and edited copy.
This topic proves to be useless.
--
So... where do I get inspiration now?

Musings --sunken ship

Somehow or rather, I find myself sinking.
I thought I was treading gently on the water surface, but that was just an illusion.