Philosophical musings...

"Remind me again, why am I taking Japanese?"

"Because... Ah! It's like a quest! Of utmost importance!"

"...Hm."

"Y-yeah! And you'll have to save the princess! So you have to continue with this 'quest'!"

"Screw her. XD"

All those thoughts going through my mind during Japanese. And I still wonder... Well, it seems that whenever I'm trying to complete something, I tend to say to myself that it's a 'quest' and go on about meaningless details ; who I'm going to have to save, what I need to defeat...

I'm really that childish, huh?

おやすみ!

おっィエーちゃん

I'm not sure if I wrote it correctly... T^T



Let's not.

Part1
Sometimes I just wander about in circles.
And I never really understand what I'm searching for.
Is it excitement,
Peace,
Joy,
Love,
Or something that simply doesn't exist?
Am I recklessly plunging into the world of unknown,
Feel the giggles bubble up in my throat
Even as I trudge deeper into tragedy?
Crypt-ids are named so,
'Imaginary, fake. Don't believe in them.'
But as I sit still and wait, restless,
Am I hopeful?
Rephrase.
Am I full of hope?
Is it true how we'll never be able to live within myths and legends?
'wake up.'
But I am clear-headed,
My mind is whizzing past the strange sightings.
But even so, you chuckle and ruffle my hair.
'silly girl.'


Part2
Let's just be friends.
Let's not wait anymore.
Let's do it!
Let's go!
Let's...
Are we just a plural form,
Undivided, fully as one?
Should we even be, our clashing personalities?
If we are merged, will the wars rage?
I believe so.
Fire and ice,
Will one ever succeed?
Or will it be just a stagnant draw.
Your moves countered by mine,
Just as mine is deflected by yours?
Opposites attract, I hear.
But no, we'll repel each other.
Because of the simple disgust.

Part3
The philosophical musings of Ice.
Where should I melt and reflect her venomous soul?
Where is the best place to smooth-en the crackling fire?
Or are we doomed into a pause that will last forever,
I will release ourselves from suffering.
Let this be the last time we shall ever hear the relentless sizzling of the fire.
I will numb my entire soul and delve deeper into hell.
It burns and licks at my form,
But alas, I am melting.
Nay, where shall I find coldness?
Or is it already part of me?
What is ice?
What is fire?
Who am I?
Why am I here?
Non, where to escape,
From the desire I've kept in so long?

Part4
The philosophical musings of Fire.
Are you aware of the painfully slow and indecisive actions?
Where my heart frolics and squeals out loud.
I rip out my victory,
Only to be beaten.
Shall I fight once more?
Ah, the happy wicked devil that rages on inside me.
I shall obey it,
Impulsive, they scold.
But what shall I say?
For who am I?
Fire.
What makes me who I am?
My impatience, passion.
So why hesitate?
... For it is too late.
You have soared in,
that icy smirk etched on your face.
Let me be the one to erase it from existence.
Why, though?
__________________________________________________________________________________
Another poem that was inspired by Just Be Friends, by Megurine Luka, music box version. :D
I have no idea what this is all about. It's confusing and conflicting, alright. But it's just for you to think deeper into who is who. And what is what.
Sighs. :D

Ollie

This year is the year of the water dragon! And currently I'm fangirling over Kohaku Nushi Nigihayami. Simply put, 'Spirited Away'! Because Haku is a river dragon and I watched the film again... And it was so cute that I was squealing. :D Yay! And I've been reading Spirited Away Fanfics, some of them are rather interesting and they have aweshom grammar! Makes me kinda guilty for not writing when I have the idea. I'm just... lazy...

I created it! It looks so cool! ^^ kyah!

:D Now I've got to do my History Assignment, on a plate which has a long history...
Sigh.

Ollie :D

Is that really what you want?

Chinese New Year celebrations-- something I had been looking forward to, already filled up with sugar. It was boring with only us, released early. We were more open, this time, already seen all the teachers. Now you came and complicated everything. I squealed, hugging everyone I could, but you simply stared at my uniform in --somewhat of disgust-- so I laughed and shook it off.

Next came the cheer-off, more of you versus us. The line was drawn so clearly. I didn't want to battle, but I was compelled to. Your taunts, mocks and boasts. They will amplify more once I step out of the game. Sore-throat, I had. We were deciding on school cheers, as loud as you even though we were short of two members. Your scoffs, your smirks and snorts. It hurt me a lot, but it was a drug that drew me in, deeper. I clapped my hands, making as much noise as possible, making sure we could out do you. And came the embarrassing part; the many cheers that I already knew about, compelling me to join in, even though I was an 'enemy'. My sister, she is in your school, teaching me many cheers that I learnt eagerly. But now I've resigned to fate, instead laughing at how poor your coordination is.

I didn't ask for this. I wanted to go to your school. But no, now we are enemies. Now we are competing with each other, determined to soar further. But I didn't ask for this. I didn't want to become your enemy. Tears are about to flow, but I keep them in, sure that you will only mock at how weak I am. I am not. Just because of other peoples' comparing words, we have stood away from each other, boundaries keeping us in place.
Can we really coexist in peace, I ask myself again, demanding for an answer.

I don't know.

So as I laugh and shriek, joining in my own cheer, I purposely poked you, evoking a shove. I chuckle. Is it because I'm wearing white, so you have to do this to me? Is it because of my school name, so you hate me? If that is so;

I hate white.
And naturally, I hate you.
For being so stupid, so immature that you have to even be affected by others.

So I'll just smile and as much as I don't want to, I'll go back again for Teachers' Day. The addiction that pulls me deeper into the abyss, sprinkling onto my senses hot coal. It will hurt. And yet I'll still go for more.

COOKIES

DON'T STEAL MY COOKIES!!!

Actually, they're already digested :D

But... It looks so cute! Even though it's cracked, like it is... It's peanut butter :D

But choco chips woulda been better. IT's my second time baking cookies, the first time, I didn't do much (It came in those ready packaged)... This was made during Home Ec, within an hour. Yum!

So ppl, if you go back for CNY... I might spare you a cookie... that looks better than the one above, of course... But I might be too lazy to bake... :D

So... Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?

I'll make a series of whodunit if I can :D

that's merely what I say to trap you

It's the common strain, competitively we work against time, against each other. Not more said, because it seems to be the natural rule of the worlds, how our modus operandi simply just is. We scoff lightly at how our carefully, discreet insults are embedded in the sea of 'praises'. What is real and what is not?

Because of how I am taught, I simply smile and let it go, refusing to keep my school pride, refusing just to scream and dash away in tears. I am not taught to be so immature, instead being a big-hearted karakuri pierrot. It is an accepted fact, once landing in my hands, twisted and scrutinised. I try to find a loophole within the big ball of reasons. And there are just so many different holes for me to plot my attack; yet many defenders that challenge me. Even if I point out the actual facts, how will we learn to accept it? Would it take forever?

"Let's work together and coexist in peace."

Does it apply to us, this very reasonable statement? Are we beyond all rationalisation? Is it determined to be told like this? The story of the past, present and future? You, the waves of promises from your lips, will one day be unable to take the stress and put me down. I will not want to fight, so I will lay my armour down, knowing how you'd say how much of a coward I am. I am one, indeed. I fear for the conclusion that the wars of both worlds will rage one, audiences from the sidelines wag their pudgy fingers and smirk. Even if I want to turn back, my own pride will not allow it, bounding me to look forward and forget you. Can I? Will I?

In my blouse and skirt I stand, wavering slightly. Is it apt to say, at this juncture, that 'As humans, we are born alone and will also eventually die alone'? The pain of losing your friends, like sand that manages to spill even with my fist clutched tight, deliberately falling to the ground one by one, making me cringe at the prolonged process.

As for now, I shall only believe in your words and my hope.

"Ollie... If you could transfer now to [inserts previous school of choice], would you?"

I was asked this question. How can you expect me to give up on this now, just when I've been working so hard to keep myself together and make new friends? Just when everything starts to feel right on track again, just when I'm convinced this is where I'm going to be. You plant the seed of doubt right in my mind, I try digging for it, trying to shove it out. Oh, but no. I shoot you an annoyed look. You don't notice it [or were you pretending?].

How can you even suggest that, just when I'm starting out, carving a new path for myself. We've gone through this so many times. And you always forget Like usual. I roll my eyes. I've taken the time and effort to remember people's names, what they like and all those details of their lives. I've taken myself to accept the reality that I'm just here. And you waver me once more. I ignore you and continue singing along to the song. The conversation has to end here, I shout in my mind.

"Oi!"

I turn to glare at you, putting all my frustration and pain in my expression; I've stuck to this path, so just let me continue and shut up. It's rude, alright, but I need you to know that I'm already here, I'm already somewhere in this school, so just let me live my life. If you had asked me a week ago, the answer would be squealed out with enthusiasm. But now? No.

"No," I emphasise on the word, staring coldly at you meaningfully. "I thought this has already been decided?"

"But you've been so moody lately, so I thought..." you trail off.

I really feel like facepalming myself now, if I don't have the nokia phone in my hands. I sigh loudly in irritation as I push myself further back into the seat, glancing out of the windows.

"I'm moody because I'm tired... so no."

But the act has been done, so I contemplate it for a while, throwing it around in my hands as I frown, exploring the consequences if I did join my previous school of choice. Everything I've struggled to build up.. It would be all gone. New connections would have to be made again from scratch. And when they find out... I shut my eyes firmly, willing the migraine to go away.

Dead childhood

I stack them up in a pile.
Cube by cube, their colours don't match;
Flaring red and pale lavander.
Scratched edges and worn out paint.
I stare at the remaints.
Are these all that are left?
Yes, you answer cautiously.

Momma... bring me cube! Gee-raff!

I stroke the pitiful toys with a slender finger.
It's bright red, and stains the wooden white block.
I draw a symbol randomly and puncture it with my claws.
The floor is maroon, warm and... pulsing.
The whole room is covered with the blood of my childhood.
I leave it there, whimpering as every tiny vial of life is sucked out.
Nothing is spared as I fling them carelessly away.

No survivors.
Though in my blood lust, I hoped there was just one strand of innocence that was alive.
No, impossible.
Because this is what it takes to mature.

Kill them, all.

Coward.

I didn't think that it would be so different. I imagined how simple it would be to walk up straight and smile, try to talk, end of story. Nothing is that simple. In fact, it just hurt that I didn't know what to do, being the coward I was. Surrounded by the bunch of people I never really talked to, I tried to stand up and dash over, smiling sheepishly. Hesitation. Fear. Reluctance.

I haven't talked to you in ages. Everythin seemed so easy, too easy, when we didn't speak face to face. I could laugh, be free. But I couldn't just walk over and grin, because I knew I would never fit in and rejection would hit me right in the face, forcing the air out of my lungs as I deflated. I was afraid of rejection. As I clutched the Hatsune Miku plushie (Phoebe gave it to me. How sweet~!) tighter, it became a talisman. I trotted over, poked you with it and beamed lightly.

It was a good reason, so I didn't press on, as I just nodded and ran out. Like the very coward I was. I should have stayed longer. But I knew I would practically suffocate from all those plastered smiles. At the beginning, I kept my face down, packing and unpacking all the food that I was (mysteriously) in charge of, categorising it (like the OCD person I am XD). I didn't dare to talk. Some kind souls had tried, but I just blocked them out, pressing the ear phones into my ear, digging deeper.

Perfect by P!nk came on, and I wandered out of the room, to the carpark as I waited, listening to the change of music. Sometimes I went inside and packed again, avoiding human interactions, sometimes I simply lazed at the deserted and dim place, afraid to turn in. Coward.

Finally one of the EPs came and told me to go in while she waited. I strolled there, unwillingly turning to the room. I note that groups had formed, and I wasn't in any one of them. She stood there by the table, alone. So I trotted away to her. We played the soccer-table game, occasionally laughing. Simply, even as we didn't really talk, it worked. Soon all of them came. I started chatting, feeling more at ease, wondering why I had tried so hard to build the barrier around myself.

Maybe it's because I'm going to a different school, so it doesn't matter if I'm salvaging those friendships that never lasted. I don't know.

"What's your greatest fear?"

"... Being alone even though you're in a big crowd."

Coward. I really am a coward.