Meeeeeep
I'm really
kinda
a little
tired
as in

one eighth of an extremely tired thingum
I don't even know what I'm writing
and I wish I could write it out
but it's just a boggle of emotions within me

and I hate everyone because
expectations
and it goes both ways because I expect,
and they expect.

...
I'm really afraid of failing my math. Not those kind of low A1s, but really- C6, F9 etc.

And then there's LA Blocks and I really hope it's an argumentative essay so it'll be easier for me to write...
...

That's kinda stupid.

I just want to cry- quite badly, but I'll rate it a 6 upon 10.
I'll bet other people are suffering more than I am, but.

Honestly.
No.

Ugh.
And people who reassure me that I have friends-
that's the point about reassuring someone.
You say some nice stuff to comfort them,
then it's over.

And when you seek comfort, you are subconsciously willing yourself to think of whatever the other person's said-- are lies.

And in that way, you do not derive comfort, which is quite stupid, but I do it all the time and I end up bashing myself up

I am an ordinary kid.
I don't have talents.
I'm not artistic.
I'm not athletic.
I can't do anything.

I'm basically worthless.

She literally told me I was worth nothing and because I was living in a community, I had to compromise and stop being so selfish. "What, do you think you're very important?"

This is my life. I'm seeing everything from my perspective. So yes, I am very important in my life. Everything revolves around me because this is my life. I am the main character of my story and do you NOT UNDERSTAND THAT IT'S SO TIRING TO HAVE TO THINK FOR EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU?

I've never liked myself. I hate the fact that I don't have the patience to go through with anything when I was young. I hate the fact I can't properly rally in a badminton match, that I can't write proper essays, that I simply don't ask the right questions. And as much of a hypocrite I sound like when I say this, I hate how ugly I am. I hate the way my legs are shaped, that my whole body was designed for bruises and cuts because I'm just too clumsy.

I was always in my sister's shadow. I followed her. I looked up to her. I was so proud of how she was so smart. I never thought I was anything. What I could do, everyone could do. What I couldn't do, everyone could do. I can't do anything. So I worked hard to get good results so I wouldn't simply be too ordinary.

So when I got into WSC, I was so proud of myself. I was a little relieved that there was another avenue for me. I was just-- so-- happy because at least I had some worth. At least I could do something my sister never did. I thought I was worth something. And now I'm having an emotional and mental breakdown because it is pretty pressurizing. I'm so tired, but I'm happy because every time I finish part of my dossier, I feel accomplished. I enjoy WSC and all the things I'm learning.

And I tried on the yellow blazer. It was awkward and all formal-looking and I just.

I felt bashful and almost wrong-- because I don't deserve all this. But something that had been repeated to me by my parents, "you got in because they chose you" came to my mind and I was sure I would try my best.

My parents tell me to take a nap and rest. I do that.
And I am aggressively woken up by her.

I just-- I've been unwittingly sarcastic. Okay, so that's my sense of humor. Would you rather I make stupid and unconvincing promises that I'd break? I don't like doing that.

And then I protect my granola bars, saying they're my support bars.
And she explodes.

"I am sick of your attitude, you know? You go around thinking it's a big deal you got into WSC and that the world revolves around that. What, you think you're so important? And you have to stop being so selfish."

A few points:

1. it is my life, and hence my world does revolve around me.
2. It is a big deal, to me, that I got into WSC
3. I think I am important, because if I don't think that way, I wouldn't be here right now.
4. I'm only selfish with my food.
5. You take my staplers and my stationery every single day. I don't even bother to get it back until I need it.

And now, I can't even cry because it'll worry my parents and that is a very selfish behaviour. I know my brother's demise has made my mom weaker, but have they ever thought about me? It's selfish, yes, but everyone is selfish. It's exhausting to have to think for everyone. So I smile my way through dinner and my mom tells me to stop doing that because it's worrying her. What the hell do you want me to do? You don't want me to sleep late, but you tell me to take naps. You don't want me to cry, but you tell me to stop acting like I'm alright. You tell me to confide in you, but you just tell me to get over the lines that destroyed me.

I know I'm worthless.

I just.

I hate feeling like this and worrying everyone.

I hate being like this. And you know what, there are times I really want to die but I know it's not worth it because I haven't even grown up and this is immature and escapism.

I want to hate you but I can't because I know that I'll never be as good as you.

I hate myself so much.

I wish I could pirouette

no, not really.

I don't actually feel that way.
I mean, I tried dance, when I was really, really young and cute at that time.

And I sprained my ankle, which was a one-way ticket out of dance and to calligraphy.
I did quit calligraphy later on, just so I could sleep.

Abacus was boring, so I quit, too.

And piano.
It was hell, for me.

WSC training yesterday, and my aunt brought us all to watch a movie, hence I got back home at 2 AM.
Didn't get any work done, except more debate practice and trying not to look like a fool while my teammates (expert debaters) prepped me on what to say.

We didn't get to go and debate, but I'm sure that if I did, I would have died.

Research is lacking, as in, I'm dying for everything right now I just how do people manage their time so well.
My class' OM teams are in great condition, even with their hectic schedules.
And here I am, flooping to my death because.

Anyway, debate.
So, I've got no experience in it whatsoever but I'm just kinda happy about it. I don't know.
We've just got to act our way through it~

It's kinda good we've got extra help from our mentors, because I would just crumble if we didn't.
I've been first speaker for the last few sessions, and I think it's quite okay-- second speaker is just rebuttals rebuttals points, points, yay. Third speaker is probably hardest because you have to think as they debated on and on and you have to conclude everything to leave a strong impression on the judges woah. Yeah, but you get to go first if you're first speaker and you can't mess things up.

Mehhhh.

I should do Japanese right now.
Oh what was I thinking, blogging when I've got work.

PROCRASTINATION HAHAHAAHAHA no.

okay.
bai peasants.
I love you all.

rantrantrant

There's going to be only about 7 CCA sessions before the sec 4s go.

...
This is kinda sad.
Actually, very sad. Is this some kind of ritual they go through every single year?
Well--I guess they do have to prepare for finals. STILL.
And CCA is going to end so soon. So SOON.
Aaaaand, we'll be sec 2s and we will have RESPONSIBILITY.


Not very fun, to be exact.

I WILL DO ANOTHER CCA MURO DRAWING! :D
...soon.

I will miss you, Marina [Bay] :')

Project Steampunk--accelerated!!!!

On the double! :D
-will be postponed to after EOYs. WHY IS THERE BLOCK TEST 3? WHY. WHY.

I JUST DID A ((SHERLOCK)) OBSERVATION OF MARINA. I AM SO AWESOME :D

"So, I don't literally--well, it doesn't make sense but--get anything but the fact that people are judging me. It's like, all the time--" "Aren't you judging them, too?"

Was having a chat with wise old dad.

Me: So, um, there was this 'Character Development' module or something like that and, um, well. They just asked this question about what I thought about this line, "Character is what you are in the dark."
So I said that, "It means that in the darkest of times, in the face of adversity--it sounds weird but--what you truly are." and the teacher was staring at me strangely then she said, "Uh, interesting thinking, you have there."

Dad: Hm. Then there's something wrong with your interpretation of things.

Me: Nonononononononono. I--just I don't--it's not wrong. It's up to interpretation of matters, so there's practically nothing wrong with my statement. She was like staring at me weirdly and then she asked another student. It was like, she was trying to get a correct answer! Then the student said, "I think it means character is what you are when no one's watching."
So I don't quite get it when the teacher said, "Yes, that would be it." Like it was a model answer. That question was practically up to interpretation and--it might be a strange way of expressing herself but-- it's not like, Math, where everything is definite. And when she said, "that would be it.", it felt as though everything has a correct answer--

Dad shakes his head.

Dad: I think you don't really have much exposure in this area.

Me: But I've actually had lots of talks like this and on instinct, I just answered it. I've gone through lots of lessons when they say that "Character is what you are when no one's watching" and yet I just answered it in this way. That's strange. And it's like, they expect you to think that way, so she was shocked when she heard my different answer. Isn't that so... condemning? Like, they're teaching moral educations with a standard model answer--that doesn't sound right. Uh... it's like, they want to structure our brains in this way that...we'll think the same answer?

Dad: I think it's because you haven't got enough depth in this area, like you're still amateur at trying to--

Me: There is no difference in level of interpretation. Like... umm, if... well... if someone says, "The curtains were blue" and another person--supposedly of higher intellect-- says, "The blue curtains represented the writer's angst" and all that stuff, I suppose people would say that he's better at interpretation, isn't it? But maybe the writer just meant that the curtains were friggin blue. In fact, interpretation is up to everyone of us. It depends on what we relate to.

But the thing is. I think the teacher was judging me. It's like, a random strange student just says something out of the norm and then--

Dad: But aren't you judging her?

Me: ... nonononononononono. I'm just--

Dad: Look, it just depends on everyone's background and cultural preference. What are you trying to say? That you disagree with the statement "Character is what you are when no one's watching"?

Me:... Hm. Not exactly. But I don't really get how that can happen. I mean, like, in the dark, we can still all see, right? It's not like pitch black dark.

Dad: That was not literal.

Me: Oh. But anyway, there's still a pair of eyes watching you! I mean, it can't be--

Dad: See, so you believe in the existence of a God that's watching you.

Me: That's not what I meant. I meant that you'd still be watching yourself, out of fear of the possibility of someone still watching you. It's like, you're watching yourself.

Dad: But for that moment, you'd still be yourself, won't you?

Me: Butbutbut. Look, you'd be yourself for just a moment, then you'd turn back to your... fake self and it gets kinda confusing like who is your real self? And then it--

Dad: That's only for someone as confusing as you.

Me: Not true! Sometimes you get so caught up in being fake that you'd... you'd--I don't know--forget yourself? And in the other case, in the case of adversity, you'd choose, won't you? Like Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew--the main focus is on Peter, of course. He chose to help Voldy and--

Dad: Who are they?

Me:... Uhh, some people. So anyway, the words "Character is what you are" were in black and the background was white while the words "in the dark" were white in black background and that kinda led to me thinking that it was a candle in the dark. Kinda like hope or faith, right?

Wait, what am I talking about? But anyway, I still don't quite get how people instinctively react to this... statement as nobody seeing you. I mean, in the dark, no one is watching you, but can't they be hearing?

Dad: It's not literal.

Me: Butbutbut. Aargh, so I don't get why my interpretation is wrong.

Dad: I never said your interpretation was wrong.

Me: You said there was something wrong with my interpretation of things.

Dad: I wanted to say that it all depended on your cultural background and what your values are and all that.

Me: ...

Dad: Eh, drink your soyabean. We're leaving.

My dad is awesome. :D
he keeps reminding me how stupid I am TAT

Jerry and I are getting married. Now, where to find cabbages... jk,jk :D

♫♫♫ ♥ 066s5c 5s f6r the s643 ♥ ♫♫♫

H5!  5 have dec5ded t6 ty*e 5n c6de beca4se 5 352e 5t and...

5t's rea33y rather f4n, what say y64+


b4t 06st 6f 5t 5s rea33y, rea33y easy t6 f5g4re 64t.  ☺y64 d6n't say+

n6w, n6w, y64 0ay th5n2 why 6n earth 5 a0 d65ng th5s, b4t 5t's rea33y 14st f6r enterta5nt0ent *4r*6ses. *rec5se3y, 5 a0 rather... we5rd ☻☺☻☺☻☺☻☺☻ 0ay we a33 35ve 5n har06ny! *eace t6 the w6r3d!

♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫


Yay, now I have been magically revived...

Yesh, there will be no more failed codings!

I shall speak in-- hopefully-- good English and present to you my upcoming play.

Why, I am indeed feeling rather egoistic right now. :D
That is never a good sign, but oh, what can I do?
/egomoment/

I have really no idea what my new play is going to be called, but it may be a little crude and offending.
/stares around furtively/

Hm, but let's have a look at how it's like till now.

Cutscenes:

♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫

MICHAELA

What? Oh, hello, Mason.

MASON [swiftly grabs the cigarette from CATHY]

Oh, hello there. You know it isn't good for you, Cathy.

CATHY

Since when did you give a damn about me? Give me back the damned cigarette you--

MASON

What will it be this time? "Moronic idiot"? That still sounds hilarious.

CATHY [mumbling]

Filthy mongrel.

 ♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫

MINDY

Aunt Caaaaaathy!

CATHY

What now, Min-Min? And I'm not deaf.

MINDY [scowls]

No more calling me that! Where's Daddy?

CATHY [in a subdued voice]

Killing people.

[aloud]

Oh, he's working.

♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫

Okay, that's it.

I can't reveal any more of the failure-of-a-play  them because it would spoil the whole plot and they aren't really... sensitive parts so it should be okay! :D

/realises what I said/

oh...

/shudders/

I hope that doesn't mean that the rest of the failure-of-a- play is... censored...

...

oh what have I done.

/ego crushed/

Everything is going to be "bad translator"-ed

THIS IS GOING TO BE A RANDOM POST ABOUT BAD TRANSLATORS.

Why, some people do post about "a list of guest artists".

Ahem, I have no sponsor by the way. This blog is not sponsored. I thought that was clear enough.

You, you what? I am the rightful owner of this blog, of this blog! How dare you!

What "Knights of Code"? And "Process"? Are you a robot--wait, you are a programme.

AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "this kind of work"?

"On a dark and stormy night" is how we usually start our stories. But as it seem. You are not usual.

No, and I will never install it. NEVER. 

When I am--what. I am not going to install "e" or whatever it is. Also, "NEVER" rules out the possibility of actually installing whatever that crap is. T.T

Facepalm.

_________UN"BAD TRANSLATOR"-ABLE LINE_______

Okay, *glances around furtively* 

Good.

T.T

Just don't... 'palm' your computer screen in a bid to "palm page".

T.T

okay. :D

THIS IS THE 123th POST :D:D

WHEEEEEEEE

harharhar. 

This was so funny~ 

I should do this some other time. :D

Ollie~ :D

Mocha-filled waffle

WARNING: THIS POST IS FILLED WITH THE ESSENCE OF STUPIDITY. Snape forced it down my throat.

ahahahahahahahaha.

I drank a can of iced mocha just now, but it was not cold so I poured it into a cup and added ice. So maybe it's iced CUP mocha? T.T

ahahahahahahahaha...

You just got trolled.

ZOMB I LOVE MOCHA! 
AND IT MAKES ME GO CRAZYYYYY
LIKE A DRUNKARD >.> 

no, I'm not alcoholic.

Oh gawd, my head hurts now.

it feels like a hangover.


aww, crap. I FORGOT TAT I HAD THE FEAR WRITING CHALLENGE TO DO. I PROMISED MYSELF... AARGH. I AM SO FAIL!T>T 


But yes my head is hurting so I'll excuse myself from writing--

random voice: YOU CHEATER SCUM
...

I made an amazing discovery: When you highlight the post of a blog... it appears that there are lines for the post! It's like a notebook, except neater with customised fonts.

My head hurts. I should go ahead and type out the play.

but my head hurts.
Oh crap-- it's like some stupid little whirlpool swirling about in my head and crashing away--

I SHALL NEVER DRINK MOCHA AGAIN.

HEY, GUESS WHAT? THEY RAN OUT OF WOBBLING JELLIES. THIS IS SUCH A SAD AND TRAGIC TALE! TT^TT I WANT MY JELLY~
...

Where is the caffeine that's supposed to make me feel less guilty? I SLACKED. (productively, I hope.)

And Clarinet and I made a dance for the Tennis Ball parody song~ It was so funny. And fail.

And she couldn't believe that I was in gymnastics for a period of time.


TOMATOES GONNA TOMATE :D
yay.


... curse you, mocha.
I wonder who can find the secret messages in this blog post... <--CENSORED :D


And so the waffle lived unhappily ever after.
Mocha~


THIS POST IS SO ANGSTY. :O

The Japanese Teacher said there was something wrong with me! :D

and it made me laugh for the rest of the Japanese lesson.

ZOMB. (Zombie's way of saying "zomg") Finally someone confirms my thoughts :D
Oh gawd. Homework. T ^ T ||| And yay, there's CCA tomorrow.

And I'll be getting new glasses soon! (because the current one's thingy broke off-- got it fixed, but the paint is peeling, peeling.....)


...
Phoebe called me earlier.
Oh gawd I miss you guys a lot. A LOT. A LOTTTTTT~
And then I saw the evil egg. I was trying to ask about FA. Not so sure now...

Ugh, now I need to do things.
Important things.

I swear, I hate this place. I absolutely despise it, loathe it.

Post-It ノート: oh why

That was so embarrassing.

And idiotic.

That I tried to commit suicide in that little emo corner.

TAT

Why do I squeak at inappropriate times. 

Argh.

I'm going to try to wash this off my head for now and keep my head up high.

Or at least try to.

Maintains view: scary people are scary.

...

Baka, baka, baka.

Oh bananas.

Musings-- we'll keep it there

Supposedly the world is crashing upon you,
and there's no one there left to help you.

One hand strikes out, but there's no point in anything at all.
Do you get tired of getting tired of life?

When there's so much to see, but you're content with your mind's eye flipping through the scrapbook of your worn-out, torn and tattered memories.

This blog is a dangerous place:
Spinning in progress-- the disastrous web of a scarlet, luscious liquid that trickles down hesitantly upon the sides of your throat, clutching at the hesitation stuck in your vocal box.

All I see are screen shots. Profile images, silhouette of people-- past people who waltzed in and out of my life. And some more happy faces, the ones I can never ever understand, the delicate smile that pierces through each layer of mask with despair. But oh, such beauty as well.

Names piece together letter by letter, stringing helplessly along a fragmented rainbow, splintered into a million mirrors.

Kamikorosu , I'll bite you to death. 

Fear of the month (April)

A

Acrophobia--fear of heights

Ablutophobia-- fear of bathing, washing or cleaning

Anthropophobia --type of social fear (fear of people)

All these were chosen through a fruit machine :D

Let's start writing~ :D

Even tho I say it's "Of the Month", it may be irregular :D

tralalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala

Coward.

I didn't think that it would be so different. I imagined how simple it would be to walk up straight and smile, try to talk, end of story. Nothing is that simple. In fact, it just hurt that I didn't know what to do, being the coward I was. Surrounded by the bunch of people I never really talked to, I tried to stand up and dash over, smiling sheepishly. Hesitation. Fear. Reluctance.

I haven't talked to you in ages. Everythin seemed so easy, too easy, when we didn't speak face to face. I could laugh, be free. But I couldn't just walk over and grin, because I knew I would never fit in and rejection would hit me right in the face, forcing the air out of my lungs as I deflated. I was afraid of rejection. As I clutched the Hatsune Miku plushie (Phoebe gave it to me. How sweet~!) tighter, it became a talisman. I trotted over, poked you with it and beamed lightly.

It was a good reason, so I didn't press on, as I just nodded and ran out. Like the very coward I was. I should have stayed longer. But I knew I would practically suffocate from all those plastered smiles. At the beginning, I kept my face down, packing and unpacking all the food that I was (mysteriously) in charge of, categorising it (like the OCD person I am XD). I didn't dare to talk. Some kind souls had tried, but I just blocked them out, pressing the ear phones into my ear, digging deeper.

Perfect by P!nk came on, and I wandered out of the room, to the carpark as I waited, listening to the change of music. Sometimes I went inside and packed again, avoiding human interactions, sometimes I simply lazed at the deserted and dim place, afraid to turn in. Coward.

Finally one of the EPs came and told me to go in while she waited. I strolled there, unwillingly turning to the room. I note that groups had formed, and I wasn't in any one of them. She stood there by the table, alone. So I trotted away to her. We played the soccer-table game, occasionally laughing. Simply, even as we didn't really talk, it worked. Soon all of them came. I started chatting, feeling more at ease, wondering why I had tried so hard to build the barrier around myself.

Maybe it's because I'm going to a different school, so it doesn't matter if I'm salvaging those friendships that never lasted. I don't know.

"What's your greatest fear?"

"... Being alone even though you're in a big crowd."

Coward. I really am a coward.