Meeeeeep
I'm really
kinda
a little
tired
as in

one eighth of an extremely tired thingum
I don't even know what I'm writing
and I wish I could write it out
but it's just a boggle of emotions within me

and I hate everyone because
expectations
and it goes both ways because I expect,
and they expect.

...
I'm really afraid of failing my math. Not those kind of low A1s, but really- C6, F9 etc.

And then there's LA Blocks and I really hope it's an argumentative essay so it'll be easier for me to write...
...

That's kinda stupid.

I just want to cry- quite badly, but I'll rate it a 6 upon 10.
I'll bet other people are suffering more than I am, but.

Honestly.
No.

Ugh.
And people who reassure me that I have friends-
that's the point about reassuring someone.
You say some nice stuff to comfort them,
then it's over.

And when you seek comfort, you are subconsciously willing yourself to think of whatever the other person's said-- are lies.

And in that way, you do not derive comfort, which is quite stupid, but I do it all the time and I end up bashing myself up

I am an ordinary kid.
I don't have talents.
I'm not artistic.
I'm not athletic.
I can't do anything.

I'm basically worthless.

She literally told me I was worth nothing and because I was living in a community, I had to compromise and stop being so selfish. "What, do you think you're very important?"

This is my life. I'm seeing everything from my perspective. So yes, I am very important in my life. Everything revolves around me because this is my life. I am the main character of my story and do you NOT UNDERSTAND THAT IT'S SO TIRING TO HAVE TO THINK FOR EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU?

I've never liked myself. I hate the fact that I don't have the patience to go through with anything when I was young. I hate the fact I can't properly rally in a badminton match, that I can't write proper essays, that I simply don't ask the right questions. And as much of a hypocrite I sound like when I say this, I hate how ugly I am. I hate the way my legs are shaped, that my whole body was designed for bruises and cuts because I'm just too clumsy.

I was always in my sister's shadow. I followed her. I looked up to her. I was so proud of how she was so smart. I never thought I was anything. What I could do, everyone could do. What I couldn't do, everyone could do. I can't do anything. So I worked hard to get good results so I wouldn't simply be too ordinary.

So when I got into WSC, I was so proud of myself. I was a little relieved that there was another avenue for me. I was just-- so-- happy because at least I had some worth. At least I could do something my sister never did. I thought I was worth something. And now I'm having an emotional and mental breakdown because it is pretty pressurizing. I'm so tired, but I'm happy because every time I finish part of my dossier, I feel accomplished. I enjoy WSC and all the things I'm learning.

And I tried on the yellow blazer. It was awkward and all formal-looking and I just.

I felt bashful and almost wrong-- because I don't deserve all this. But something that had been repeated to me by my parents, "you got in because they chose you" came to my mind and I was sure I would try my best.

My parents tell me to take a nap and rest. I do that.
And I am aggressively woken up by her.

I just-- I've been unwittingly sarcastic. Okay, so that's my sense of humor. Would you rather I make stupid and unconvincing promises that I'd break? I don't like doing that.

And then I protect my granola bars, saying they're my support bars.
And she explodes.

"I am sick of your attitude, you know? You go around thinking it's a big deal you got into WSC and that the world revolves around that. What, you think you're so important? And you have to stop being so selfish."

A few points:

1. it is my life, and hence my world does revolve around me.
2. It is a big deal, to me, that I got into WSC
3. I think I am important, because if I don't think that way, I wouldn't be here right now.
4. I'm only selfish with my food.
5. You take my staplers and my stationery every single day. I don't even bother to get it back until I need it.

And now, I can't even cry because it'll worry my parents and that is a very selfish behaviour. I know my brother's demise has made my mom weaker, but have they ever thought about me? It's selfish, yes, but everyone is selfish. It's exhausting to have to think for everyone. So I smile my way through dinner and my mom tells me to stop doing that because it's worrying her. What the hell do you want me to do? You don't want me to sleep late, but you tell me to take naps. You don't want me to cry, but you tell me to stop acting like I'm alright. You tell me to confide in you, but you just tell me to get over the lines that destroyed me.

I know I'm worthless.

I just.

I hate feeling like this and worrying everyone.

I hate being like this. And you know what, there are times I really want to die but I know it's not worth it because I haven't even grown up and this is immature and escapism.

I want to hate you but I can't because I know that I'll never be as good as you.

I hate myself so much.

Useless rant because language is a barrier

not in that sense but.

So.

Chinese.

The way that the teacher looks at me when I say something, or try to contribute- it's irritating.
It's like she's just giving me that 'oh-I-already-know-what-you-want-to-say-and-besides-you-aren't-fluent-in-Chinese-so-hurry-up-and-stop-delaying-class-with-useless-opinions' look, and I can't really- I mean, of course I could be wrong, but the difference is stark when it comes to me, and other students of the class. If they're good at Chinese, she'll just be really happy and stuff. I mean, of course she's happy that her better students are speaking up and making reasonable points instead of me because I'm always a jumble of thoughts and contradictions. But the look of contempt (?) is just stifling and annoying. I'm trying to work hard in Chinese right now-- oh wait, please don't say stuff like "oh, if you're really interested in Chinese then you should just work hard or confront your teacher" because firstly, I've battled myself with this argument at least five times. Secondly, the matter of confrontation isn't exactly the best because I'm not fluent in Chinese and all these are pure assumptions which is killing me right now, because I don't have concrete proof-- what, use her facial expression as an excuse? I can't just hate on how people look- if she did explicitly state my opinions were useless then I'd have something to work my way with. But no, so I'm just a whirl of ughhhnehehehehehenononononough- why

...
this is stupid.
Okay, since it's stupid, I shall stop thinking about this and be a nice quiet character in the backdrop.
meep.
I bet she's given up on me for the most. 

numbers and figures- they pull us apart

11:11

The time everyone starts posting their wishes and whatnot.
Thing is, someone posted something about their wishes during what was to be perceived as 11:11 at their side when it was only 11:09 for me.
Besides, I don't really see the point in 11:11 (even as I hopelessly dream on about it)
-says the person who wishes on 00:00 and various other timings-

Numbers are interesting.

Mooving on.
so.
exhibition.
yes i am excited can you just see my extremely happy face.
OCTOBER!
Halloween's!
The devil's own spawn and
reckless lines of
chalk.
Yeah. Chalk.
I miss everything that-
that used to be there.

Yeah.
It used to be easier.
Maybe chess woulda been better.
Rot there in the corner, fiddling with the buttons of the old chess clock and watch every single second pour away into a blitz, until the red flag's triggered.
What did we call it.
*do
 Flagdrop? I think so.
Stalemate.
Don't question me.

so there I was planning on a long and coherent and reasonable post but halfway there I gave up.
I think I gave up from the start.

Exhibition.
Right.
Nice, nice poem that I can't really organise into a full paragraph. I should really start concentrating.
but it seems so long since I've published a post.
SOOOOOO LONGGGGG.
I was planning on writing something decent, and there was a sudden idea for a play/prose (I'm rather undecided) and it was really good- at least, to me- and I was thinking about it on the car ride home, from loon's house- it's another thing but i liked the experience and even though i thought it as stupid. i mean, playing awkward badminton in the rain and yeah. it was fun. i like it. i still do.-

so i was listening (again, completely unrelated idea) to my playlist on my phone with my dad's earphones (i think they're for a different type of phone because-) and when it shuffled to 'What Makes You Beautiful' by One Direction...
well, because it's a weird earphone, so it practically cancelled out the vocals until it was only a very, very slight whisper and also removed some of the background music. I never realised 'Back to December' by Taylor Swift had such good instrumental-
so when I listened to 'What Makes You Beautiful'...
all I heard was the sound of the conga drums.
FOR THE WHOLE 4 MINUTES.

i love you, dad's earphones.

right. Exhibition.
I was all prepped up for it, and I bought supplies (nice, nice butterflies that were purple and black and kinda glimmering and also some ribbons) though I don't think they will be used.
still. it's pretty. sigh.
yeah.
and I've managed to complete a poem which I showed Jerry and it was meant for Yinny and it was kinda in the Halloween mood but anyways.
potato'd.

POSTMAN PAT.
yeah.
I love this show sooooo much okay the cat is totally sass and fluff and it goes like
'I DON'T CARE I'M A CAT OKAY YOU DO WHAT I WANT'
and it jumps up and down and everywhere and stuff.
and Postman Pat is just.

'I'M POSTMAN PAT AND I'M ON A SPECIAL DELIVERY SERVICE OOH DID I KNOCK YOUR POTATOES DOWN DOES IT LOOK LIKE I CARE OOH LOOK HEY CHICKENS HEY HORSE I LOVE THE WEATHER SO MUCH AND MY BADGE IS SHINY'

(I'm serious about this part. He polishes his badge. FOR REAL.)

I should avoid being so random and get back to work.
WORK.
sigh.
okay bye potatoes let me awkwardly slide away.
fats.
lipids.
lipase.
eoys.
screwed.
yay.

Where's the grace in graciousness?

i think we've been through this warning section quite a few times.
if you're going to be one of those adults who are going to scream and holler in indignity at my - excuse me - ignorant, idiotic and completely out of point words, please do not click the 'continue' button, thank you.
you have been warned.
i'm just going to tell you what i'll probably cover, just in case you boldly ask
"but if i don't know what you're talking about, how would i know if i'd be offended?"

i'm just going to cover this part of respect and giving up seats on public transports- are young people culprits of rude behaviour on public transports? (loooooneh)

so there.
you have been warned (again!)

autumn in england and a slight bit of rant

Autumn in England and China now. A clash of both sides, which is really, quite cool.

Japanese examinations over now, and I am so happy-- although I think having examinations for third language totally killed off the joy of learning, although it did push me to learn. 

NYES-- Autumn version

I did this on muro and also during ICT, using photoshop. I feel like I've got a power. A power that I've recently acquired after learning how to create text effects. Photoshop, although sometimes you may be a jerk.

Thank you for that power.

I love that power. 

((only when I'm using it))

From this point on-wards, it's going to be long. So click at your own risk. Woah, another long post.

rantrantrant that weed in your garden. GTFO

potating potatoes potate.

new record broken. oh wait what? no politically-correct statements at 4am please.

warning this post is asdfghjkl and written when i was hzul.cjsgrkhfksdghnsdjvgahifgqueshkdf in my brain.
do not proceed.

Competition! How exciting!... yeah, yeah. SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS

This ^ is how I'm probably going to look like after tomorrow's competition.

Imagine! The fun!

The excitement!

The getting-screwed-all-over-again-and-again.

._.

Well.

I don't know, I've been trying my best, prepping for it the past few days and trying my best at newspaper writing... It doesn't really work, you know.

I think.

So here I am, trying to calm myself down--who knew English Society had competitions! This is like, more for Infocomm club, but with the writing factor, that is. Only thing is that they seem to appreciate the design factor more. Not really complaining. 

But the thing is, not sleeping for 24 hours straight (we can have different--like, take turns to sleep but--)

We'll be working through the night and to be honest, I don't think we really stand a chance against those other schools, but I think that we'll try to clinch a writing award! It's the best we can do. 

I think.

Well, I'mma try and sleep early

AND IT ISN'T HELPING WITH MY HOMEWORK DOUCHE BAGS.

I HAVE HOMEWORK

THIS ISN'T A HOLIDAY

ASDFGHJKL;'

NOT FUN.

NOT FAIR.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

okay I'll try to enjoy it and then maybe I'll blog about this.

considering I don't die.

I'm getting real tired of your crap. And you too. #rant

blooger?

Oh god I hate that "please prove you're a robot thing"

It's really stupid and kinda makes you want to question:

WHY ON EARTH WOULD THERE BE A ROBOT.
(haha, pun noted.)

And you start to question the authenticity of the country's sanity and whether your whole life is a big, miserable lie. You start questioning your existence, whether this was just a whole big dream and you were actually a robot--

but hey! A dream within a dream! Dreamception~

So anyway, getting back to the irritating thing.
I had a horrible experience with it. I accidentally typed "s" instead of "e" and it went all:

"PLEASE TRY AGAIN. ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT A ROBOT? THE CODES DON'T MATCH"

Oh goodness, please! Wouldn't it be more likely for a robot to get it right instead of a human? I mean, humans have flaws. Robots are programmed to do stuff! So technically, they're much more... inclined to get the right things! And humans have horrible eyesight!

So there.
I'll do a more detailed rant later.
rawr.

LONDON OLYMPICS! <3
Let there be Quidditch!