Coward.

I didn't think that it would be so different. I imagined how simple it would be to walk up straight and smile, try to talk, end of story. Nothing is that simple. In fact, it just hurt that I didn't know what to do, being the coward I was. Surrounded by the bunch of people I never really talked to, I tried to stand up and dash over, smiling sheepishly. Hesitation. Fear. Reluctance.

I haven't talked to you in ages. Everythin seemed so easy, too easy, when we didn't speak face to face. I could laugh, be free. But I couldn't just walk over and grin, because I knew I would never fit in and rejection would hit me right in the face, forcing the air out of my lungs as I deflated. I was afraid of rejection. As I clutched the Hatsune Miku plushie (Phoebe gave it to me. How sweet~!) tighter, it became a talisman. I trotted over, poked you with it and beamed lightly.

It was a good reason, so I didn't press on, as I just nodded and ran out. Like the very coward I was. I should have stayed longer. But I knew I would practically suffocate from all those plastered smiles. At the beginning, I kept my face down, packing and unpacking all the food that I was (mysteriously) in charge of, categorising it (like the OCD person I am XD). I didn't dare to talk. Some kind souls had tried, but I just blocked them out, pressing the ear phones into my ear, digging deeper.

Perfect by P!nk came on, and I wandered out of the room, to the carpark as I waited, listening to the change of music. Sometimes I went inside and packed again, avoiding human interactions, sometimes I simply lazed at the deserted and dim place, afraid to turn in. Coward.

Finally one of the EPs came and told me to go in while she waited. I strolled there, unwillingly turning to the room. I note that groups had formed, and I wasn't in any one of them. She stood there by the table, alone. So I trotted away to her. We played the soccer-table game, occasionally laughing. Simply, even as we didn't really talk, it worked. Soon all of them came. I started chatting, feeling more at ease, wondering why I had tried so hard to build the barrier around myself.

Maybe it's because I'm going to a different school, so it doesn't matter if I'm salvaging those friendships that never lasted. I don't know.

"What's your greatest fear?"

"... Being alone even though you're in a big crowd."

Coward. I really am a coward.