Musings --don't we always lie?

We always lie,

don't we?

Musings --20March2012

ahhh.
it's been so long, so horribly long since i really listened to 'collide' by howie day.
it's so peaceful. the room is silent and rather peaceful and i feel as though the world is falling, tilting, sinking deeply into another world of darkness.
the light is bright (i think perhaps it would be good for me to install a night-light, but that's digressing.)
i'm really confused right now, a little in denial at how my work for 'iridescent' has turned out. part of me says, 'that's enough, seriously. stop editing.' and the other? 'just edit it. now.' (Edit: I really need to edit it already. It's too... out of point)
i'm rather content with how the story is already...
soooooo i should start with another story.
yes, nut, yours. i'm fretting over the plot now. it's so forced and unnatural. like it's just there cause i want it to be there.
i look at the class photos of last year and it stuns me.
so many faces, unfamiliar yet so recognizable. i let my hand hover over it for a few moments. egg's like her, alright, i decide in my twisted mindset.
joanna and i were going from classroom to classroom, just pretending to be stalkers with that dao staring look and finally laughing like mad before continuing until we got to our own class. and with that 'mantou look here' incident... we got overboard, but the teacher didn't really care.
-grins-
sorry bee, i don't think i can go for the alumni thingy because of block tests next week.
i hope you're not mad at me for not holding to my word.
es is pressurizing. story telling competition, we were enthu and they said we overdid it, laughing at inappropriate times (i didn't think there was ever an inappropriate time for laughing.). and we were noisy, disturbing the rest. puffy white marshmallows, are supposed to be demure, quiet, mature and conservative, you'd say? i beg to differ. that behaviour is restrictive, plastic and hypocritical. we didn't overdo anything, in my opinion. ahh, those words are so going to get me in trouble if anyone from es sees this.
home econs, pricked my fingers seven times. ouch. tried to sew back something because everyone was busy, pricked myself again and there was blood. not very pretty, i'd say.
does blood taste metallic? how does metal taste like? rusted? or like those metal spoons we have at home?
... i'll go google it later.

ollie

fill in the blank

i... cookie you. XD

If only everything about emotions was this easy.

Musings -- there are some kind people in the world, after all.

:)
Alerted them of a missing thumb drive and people from different levels replied.
It was just a small message from a junior, someone they didn't even know, yet they still replied.

Dear Ollie...

It was endearing and yet so cute.
To be serious, I didn't expect them to actually answer. :)

What the fish is Euler's number? I can't believe it actually exists.
Ha. :)
and i is an imaginary number.
1 is the first number for most sequences...
0 is the first non positive whole number.
Pi is an irrational number and people celebrate Pi day.
e... is an irrational periodic number.

I still don't get it... TT^TT

Hello, how are you?

Hello, how are you?
It seems really tiring, trying to catch some sleep on the bus (while standing) and trying not to fall.
Amazingly, just before cca, I stood at the parapet, feeling the rain beat across my face and body.
And I just stood there, sorta dazed by the beauty.
And then inspiration just hit me. It was only a slight flurry of rain, not heavy. The sky was rather bright and I wondered lightly, if there would be a rainbow. :)
It was cold inside the conference room. Like, freakishly cold. We had activities which were rather weird and I mused lightly at why there should be ccas and all. Seems kinda out of point. I mean, organising all those competitions when no one is going to participate willingly?

But I'll try my best to enthrall my class.

I suddenly feel as though a weight has been raised from my shoulders, before doubling the effect, making me slouch and groan under the pressure.
Art was horrid, yet so funny. It was just so funny to hear Joanna exclaim some really (in my mind) perverse words without-- well, she is kinda naive and innocent. I feel so bad for corrupting her now.

Y'know, it's impossible to read the same book over and over again without realising a few points. I drummed my fingers against the table, humming a tune lightly. It's a habit I can't get rid of (or won't?) Because it just seems so attention demanding even though I was merely bored. Sometimes I feel so fake, so--what's that word again? I'll get back to it anyway. It's as though I hate maintaining eye contact with certain people, because their bluntness and intelligence make me fear that they can see me through; those careless tugs on my skirt and flipping of hair, before decreeing that I am so unnatural.

And it just gets worse because I know I just don't belong anywhere.

And I'm just so tired.

Ollie

Electric Angel~

I know I'm not that good at singing, but I'll do my best too.

It gives me a kinda hope that we'll be together forever.

Singing deep from the heart, expressing the words, attaching invisible memories within them...

Can you see them?

Like my friends, you have brought me hope, joy and songs to sing [not forgetting tears when I read the new emails written to me]. I was just so touched. 

With this innocent [maybe not so] little heart of mine, I'll dedicate another piece to all of you again, I'll try to reach the skies from the deep abyss of the sea.

I'm sure I'll do it. I'll sing it all out to you and assure you of my innocence that sparkles.

Somehow, despite knowing how life is cruel, there is something childish within me, the monster that rages tiny insignificant wars and grins with delight. It is reappearing again, and my will to prove that even we cannot stop ourselves.

I'll do it, and I'll touch you from the bottom of the pit I've sunken into. 

Because I love you.

Is that really what you want?

Chinese New Year celebrations-- something I had been looking forward to, already filled up with sugar. It was boring with only us, released early. We were more open, this time, already seen all the teachers. Now you came and complicated everything. I squealed, hugging everyone I could, but you simply stared at my uniform in --somewhat of disgust-- so I laughed and shook it off.

Next came the cheer-off, more of you versus us. The line was drawn so clearly. I didn't want to battle, but I was compelled to. Your taunts, mocks and boasts. They will amplify more once I step out of the game. Sore-throat, I had. We were deciding on school cheers, as loud as you even though we were short of two members. Your scoffs, your smirks and snorts. It hurt me a lot, but it was a drug that drew me in, deeper. I clapped my hands, making as much noise as possible, making sure we could out do you. And came the embarrassing part; the many cheers that I already knew about, compelling me to join in, even though I was an 'enemy'. My sister, she is in your school, teaching me many cheers that I learnt eagerly. But now I've resigned to fate, instead laughing at how poor your coordination is.

I didn't ask for this. I wanted to go to your school. But no, now we are enemies. Now we are competing with each other, determined to soar further. But I didn't ask for this. I didn't want to become your enemy. Tears are about to flow, but I keep them in, sure that you will only mock at how weak I am. I am not. Just because of other peoples' comparing words, we have stood away from each other, boundaries keeping us in place.
Can we really coexist in peace, I ask myself again, demanding for an answer.

I don't know.

So as I laugh and shriek, joining in my own cheer, I purposely poked you, evoking a shove. I chuckle. Is it because I'm wearing white, so you have to do this to me? Is it because of my school name, so you hate me? If that is so;

I hate white.
And naturally, I hate you.
For being so stupid, so immature that you have to even be affected by others.

So I'll just smile and as much as I don't want to, I'll go back again for Teachers' Day. The addiction that pulls me deeper into the abyss, sprinkling onto my senses hot coal. It will hurt. And yet I'll still go for more.

Coward.

I didn't think that it would be so different. I imagined how simple it would be to walk up straight and smile, try to talk, end of story. Nothing is that simple. In fact, it just hurt that I didn't know what to do, being the coward I was. Surrounded by the bunch of people I never really talked to, I tried to stand up and dash over, smiling sheepishly. Hesitation. Fear. Reluctance.

I haven't talked to you in ages. Everythin seemed so easy, too easy, when we didn't speak face to face. I could laugh, be free. But I couldn't just walk over and grin, because I knew I would never fit in and rejection would hit me right in the face, forcing the air out of my lungs as I deflated. I was afraid of rejection. As I clutched the Hatsune Miku plushie (Phoebe gave it to me. How sweet~!) tighter, it became a talisman. I trotted over, poked you with it and beamed lightly.

It was a good reason, so I didn't press on, as I just nodded and ran out. Like the very coward I was. I should have stayed longer. But I knew I would practically suffocate from all those plastered smiles. At the beginning, I kept my face down, packing and unpacking all the food that I was (mysteriously) in charge of, categorising it (like the OCD person I am XD). I didn't dare to talk. Some kind souls had tried, but I just blocked them out, pressing the ear phones into my ear, digging deeper.

Perfect by P!nk came on, and I wandered out of the room, to the carpark as I waited, listening to the change of music. Sometimes I went inside and packed again, avoiding human interactions, sometimes I simply lazed at the deserted and dim place, afraid to turn in. Coward.

Finally one of the EPs came and told me to go in while she waited. I strolled there, unwillingly turning to the room. I note that groups had formed, and I wasn't in any one of them. She stood there by the table, alone. So I trotted away to her. We played the soccer-table game, occasionally laughing. Simply, even as we didn't really talk, it worked. Soon all of them came. I started chatting, feeling more at ease, wondering why I had tried so hard to build the barrier around myself.

Maybe it's because I'm going to a different school, so it doesn't matter if I'm salvaging those friendships that never lasted. I don't know.

"What's your greatest fear?"

"... Being alone even though you're in a big crowd."

Coward. I really am a coward.

Enchanted -- Dedicated to Char :D

I didn't notice you, because until then I was just stuck in my own world of false beauties. I adored the latest fashion icons; the greek mythology that spelt out pretty images of young ladies; the hunks (I mean, who could ignore those fabulous six-packs of Taylor Lautner?) and their damsels in distress. In the fairytale world that I lived in, it was forever spring, petals swirling around in the air, frozen in time. The green fields of grass would remain crisp and the sun forever shining in its glory; the golden rays decorating the world with a orangey kind of vintage style. Butterflies flitted around the flowers, their fragile and delicate wings painted with a radiant pattern.

You weren't exactly the perfect guy that I saw; your front tooth knocked out by the school bully, your acne that scarred your face and your anti-social behaviour. I never did take any notice of the young boy that sat next to the window, next to me. Although I had wished for it, I was not the beautiful and popular girl that every boy in the class worshipped. I was the second-in-waiting, though not the prettiest, I still seemed pretty enough. I did not have the typical grecian nose, or those rosebud lips. My beauty just came from a quaint source and amplified through my self-confidence.

And then, at the annual school prom, I learnt enchantment. Enchantment was a flavour that I had never tasted before, like the crisp pages of a book, fresh and new, waiting for me to explore the adventures within. Enchantment lead me out of my vague and plastic universe into a real one, wherein my senses were overwhelmed by the sights, tastes, sounds and wonders whirled into a tiny ball.

I sat stiffly at the corner, not too used to the bright and colourful lights that flickered and glared at every occupant of the ballroom. I reached about the table for my orange juice and took a sip. Loud pop music blasted in the room, as the DJ addled with the buttons of the set to make it more 'funky'. I sighed as my partner had long gone after his friends --without even asking me-- to dance. Squeals hung in the air as teenagers jumped about and waved their arms. I should be joining in the dance party, but some part of me felt inferior. I had no reason to be, and yet I felt inferior because I couldn't dance.

I was a potential hazard on the dance floor.

"Hey,"  he called out, the nerd.

He was wearing old tees and jeans, his big black spectacles dropping down his nose. He grinned cheesily and I blanched.

"Yes,"  I replied, clearly uninterested.

I fingered my long, straight hair and made an effort to ignore him. My tube dress was white with a simple black belt. Peach frills decorated the end of the dress and I wore flats. Nothing too sophisticated.

"Why aren't you dancing?" he yelled over the noise.

I shrugged, very obviously hinting to him that I did not want to talk to him.

"Let's dance!" he screamed, then dragged me forcefully to the most dreaded place on earth.

The dance floor.

I stormed off, too angry. Who was he to boss me around? But then he grabbed me and turned me around.

"Why are you so eager to get out of here? Look at me. I'm just some unpopular nerd. I have heard them say all those bad things about me, I am often the target of those bullies. But I still dance. I still enjoy every single chance there is for me to do anything. I have cancer. I won't survive. What about you? You're so healthy, pretty and yet you don't cherish these chances!" he seethed angrily.

"I can't dance! I'll fall if I dance! I have horrible balance!" I shrieked back at him, all my rage suddenly gone.

"Look. Everyone can dance. Listen to the music, feel it pulsing through you, feel the beating of your heart in rhythm to the base! Try it," he spoke and shut his eyes.

Then I saw the courage he had, to survive each day and be thankful for it, no matter how undeserved it was, being bullied, talked bad about. And then, for once, all those muses of gods and godess didn't matter. He shone through all of their luminous beauty. He was beautiful.
And so I danced along with him, sure it did work. And then, it was just my new, reformed world, an utopia. But this time, I shared it with him. So as silly as we looked, we jumped about and made exaggerate movements. And as we did, we blended in with the crowd.

I was enchanted by you, the spirit you had.

But as all humans eventually did, you passed away.

I could only hope for you to feel the music in the other world too and remember our dance.
I hope you dance.

__________________________________________________________________________________

YAY! It's finally done! Thanks to Enchanted by Taylor Swift. How funny the same music makes me get over both my artist block and writer's block. :D And so, of course I have to owe it to I Hope You Dance by Leeann Womack! And of course... Primavera, a book about the Pazzi and the Medici... Italian people... I think it was related to the French Revolution...

Haha, that line about Taylor Lautner's six packs was purely on instinct. Thanks to you, Brig!

I suppose this is dedicated to Char, I fulfilled my promise! :D Sorry Char, I don't think I made the plotline strong enough...

All for now~~~

Ollie :D

I NEED TIME>.< !

I just got over my artist's block~

It feels perfectly normal and well, not very important.

But I'm happy enough that I'll just announce it :D

It's all thanks to Enchanted by Taylor Swift. Listening to it repeatedly on my playlist just made me draw out something that wasn't crap.

Yay :D

... But now... How to deal with my writer's block...
Actually, I have an inspiration, but I just don't have time. Not joking, for someone who's been loafing about and rotting at home faced with piles of sec school assessment books. The broadband just got installed today. And there's only one computer which is my dad's and he comes home at night with it... but... my sister needs it. And I'm convinced she needs it more than me; y'know, she's in the prefectorial board so there's lotsa stuff that needs her to dabble in... right?

.... I probably won't be updating as soon... Until my new lenovo comp comes... but then again, it's not really mine since I need to share... sigh. >.< 

And I just got a new idea! I just need time...

Oh well.

Ollie :D

I hope you dance

I hope you dance.

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean.

Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance.

When one door closes I hope one more opens.

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance.

'I hope you dance' by Lee Ann Womack

I shall dedicate it to all my dearest friends. The world is large and it doesn't end with just one failure.
It's a great song.
I know I will miss you, but it's all part of life right?
Just finished reading Breaking Dawn by Stephanie Meyers, and I really agree with Jacob's first chapter, from his point of view.

I don't know.

It's just a feeling, a strange vibe. I don't know if it's true or not, but it's making me uneasy. Sometimes I don't understand if I've been too much of a hindrance than a help. I want to break through, but I'm not sure how to. Sometimes it just makes me sit back down and try to smile. But I can't, so I pretend to be interested in something else, trying not to show my real emotion.

But I don't want to be viewed as a troublesome person by getting too paranoid. So I try to fling it out of my mind, but it doesn't work. I keep quiet, trying not to interfere so that I don't make more mistakes. I merely sit there and wait, trying not to agitate them. I wonder if I've changed too much that they don't like me anymore, then wonder if I have changed at all or become more clingy. I don't remember. My throat hurts and I cover my mouth to cough, keeping a distance from them in case they mind everything. I try to state examples, perhaps they have thought I'm a hypocrite, judging from my blog posts, but what can I say? Every example doesn't make sense at all.

In case they say Í'm trying to take up more attention by being moody, I try to smile and ignore all the others. I'm trying my best to act normal, but I just can't get that sickening thought out of my mind. Seriously. I don't know.

I love you

The special three words, something so unique. However, it is always turned down by the pupils in my class. It does draw a certain amount of shock and the responses are always so predictable. When I yelled the words out to a very good friend, she immediately was taken aback and had both eyebrows raised. As I patted my 'granddaughter''s head and whispered the words out, she shrieked, "EEP!" and later said, "I'm not lesbian." When I smiled and spoke the words to my 'daughter', she scowled and replied, "I'm not lesbian."

It hurt to feel immediate rejection; love is just such a simple term, why should everyone immediately link that to relationships? Can't we love our parents, our kins, our friends? I suppose they just didn't understand. After all, those three words are to show how we admired or cherished the friends, weren't they? Sure, they could be romantically involved, but it just seems so weird to link those three words together with such things every single time.

Also, when I gave my friend a birthday hug, I could feel shock from another person. As I left, I could hear the birthday girl explaining, "It's just a hug." Why are we so isolated from the gestures used to express our friendship? Have we been too anti-social?

I love you, don't you?

Eww... I'm not--

Love can be used to express how you cherish someone. Don't you love your parents?

Yeah...

Nevermind.