hectic periods of school life

There are always these times you just want to sink into the comforts of your bed and never wake up again.

There are times you message a friend, "I know you guys have work, too, but I'm almost breaking."

There are always times you have to scream, but you can't find your voice.

There are times when you can't find the x in your equation, tracing your problems with the tip of your fingers (you know it's gonna /burn), and you can't dig anymore to find the roots of your problem.

There are times someone won't notice even as you give a grim smile, the moisture in your eyes reflecting the hazy figures in front of you.

There are times someone will notice.

There are times someone will ask if you're alright.

There are times you cry.

You're not weak because you break.

You're precious.

You're strong.

And there are times, you'll smile again.

Even as you delete each letter of your silent, loud plea from the whites of your screen, you know that self-pity is never an ally. You are strong to know self-pity and escape aren't allies, and even stronger to not fall for them.

Stay strong.

I believe in you.

Useless rant because language is a barrier

not in that sense but.

So.

Chinese.

The way that the teacher looks at me when I say something, or try to contribute- it's irritating.
It's like she's just giving me that 'oh-I-already-know-what-you-want-to-say-and-besides-you-aren't-fluent-in-Chinese-so-hurry-up-and-stop-delaying-class-with-useless-opinions' look, and I can't really- I mean, of course I could be wrong, but the difference is stark when it comes to me, and other students of the class. If they're good at Chinese, she'll just be really happy and stuff. I mean, of course she's happy that her better students are speaking up and making reasonable points instead of me because I'm always a jumble of thoughts and contradictions. But the look of contempt (?) is just stifling and annoying. I'm trying to work hard in Chinese right now-- oh wait, please don't say stuff like "oh, if you're really interested in Chinese then you should just work hard or confront your teacher" because firstly, I've battled myself with this argument at least five times. Secondly, the matter of confrontation isn't exactly the best because I'm not fluent in Chinese and all these are pure assumptions which is killing me right now, because I don't have concrete proof-- what, use her facial expression as an excuse? I can't just hate on how people look- if she did explicitly state my opinions were useless then I'd have something to work my way with. But no, so I'm just a whirl of ughhhnehehehehehenononononough- why

...
this is stupid.
Okay, since it's stupid, I shall stop thinking about this and be a nice quiet character in the backdrop.
meep.
I bet she's given up on me for the most. 

I wish I could pirouette

no, not really.

I don't actually feel that way.
I mean, I tried dance, when I was really, really young and cute at that time.

And I sprained my ankle, which was a one-way ticket out of dance and to calligraphy.
I did quit calligraphy later on, just so I could sleep.

Abacus was boring, so I quit, too.

And piano.
It was hell, for me.

WSC training yesterday, and my aunt brought us all to watch a movie, hence I got back home at 2 AM.
Didn't get any work done, except more debate practice and trying not to look like a fool while my teammates (expert debaters) prepped me on what to say.

We didn't get to go and debate, but I'm sure that if I did, I would have died.

Research is lacking, as in, I'm dying for everything right now I just how do people manage their time so well.
My class' OM teams are in great condition, even with their hectic schedules.
And here I am, flooping to my death because.

Anyway, debate.
So, I've got no experience in it whatsoever but I'm just kinda happy about it. I don't know.
We've just got to act our way through it~

It's kinda good we've got extra help from our mentors, because I would just crumble if we didn't.
I've been first speaker for the last few sessions, and I think it's quite okay-- second speaker is just rebuttals rebuttals points, points, yay. Third speaker is probably hardest because you have to think as they debated on and on and you have to conclude everything to leave a strong impression on the judges woah. Yeah, but you get to go first if you're first speaker and you can't mess things up.

Mehhhh.

I should do Japanese right now.
Oh what was I thinking, blogging when I've got work.

PROCRASTINATION HAHAHAAHAHA no.

okay.
bai peasants.
I love you all.

sleep is fluff

I've got work to dooooooooo
Lalalalala.
Nope.
Not gonna.

Sigh.
I want to draw some stuff but I know homework takes priority and that doesn't feel nice.
...

feeling insignificant right now.

If Caro leaves Singapore for Australia, I'll be really sad.
She's the closest classmate I've got. Other than sheeman.
I think.
I don't know what I am, honestly.

And I haven't written much because they're all on my tumblr blog. Even so, there still isn't much to write about.

Rachel T is going for WSC too! Wheeee :D except we're going to be competing with each other.
meep.

I've been sleeping quite a lot today, and I have a massive headache which is horrible because I just want to sleep and sleeping too much = neglecting homework = horrible, horrible, horrible me.

I wish I could potate passively and aggressively.
But there's nothing to think about right now.

My head just hurts a lot.
There's still Geog and History and Bio to revise.

Okay the title is stupid but I don't want to say anything else because
do you see what's wrong with the previous statement?
EVERYTHING.

oh god now my sentence structure sucks.
bleeeeeepp.

surrounded by books but never reading them

In the school library now with Cindy, my surrogate mom XD haha, no she's a friend but that's a story for another day in another universe where I will be much much more talkative (okay, that's just plain scary).

I should be working. Seriously.
Science SIA, LA presentation, Math SIA.
...Chinese, too.

And Geog quiz tomorrow even though I don't understand what the teacher's saying.
...

Anyway, WSC training has started! Yay! My senior-coaches are sadistic but the first training was fun! We also need to write a substantive that's due tomorrow, midnight. YAY I HAVEN'T STARTED ON ANYTHING.

...At least debate seems quite fun.

Cindy's browsing through art books and whatnot and showing me lots of lovely pictures that simply punctuate and cripple my fragile pride. I wish I could draw that well. And write. And be smart. And survive, simply put. I'm weighing my options, for my subject combination at the end of this year. I don't know why either, but it sounds terribly important (and yes it obviously IS) and as far as I know, time will just fly fly fly and before I know it, I'm dead.

CCA tomorrow! I can't wait to start on digital story telling and meet my juniors! Trust me, entering my CCA is the equivalent of a one way ticket to insanity. But at least there're some... sane people who honestly aren't that sane after my batch's fluffinating.

Recently, I've been finding the faults in people to be really annoying but let's face it, I'm extremely annoying too so... Moot point. But. I'm even starting to doubt the closest of my friends (though I doubt my intentions all the time) and. It's not nice, you know. Technically, this behaviour will be attributed to -uh- hormones or character development/growth and such.

I'M HAVING JAPANESE LATER YAY. That was not meant to be sarcastic... maybe a little. But at least it's much more enjoyable than last year's. And easier to understand.

I'm beginning to see the cracks in my class. I don't like that. And I can hardly discuss it with my classmates because that's just plain tactless, like I am.

...

Ah well.

LET'S WORK ON THE GREAT DEPRESSION WHICH MAKES ME SO DEPRESSED I WANNA VOMIT OUT SKITTLES AND POTATE.

siiiiiiiiigh.

Heyo!

Hello!

Sorry for the absurdly late post!

I haven't been blogging for a long time- but hey, who even reads my blog! :D

Anyway, a new school year has started and I'm staying in the Boarding School. It's quite fun and I've been studying much much more. I guess that's the result of ultra slow wifi, heh? :D
I don't really know what to update. Ah! I've got a mortal! Like- angel and mortal system! And she's quite cute :D I saw her on Friday but she didn't know it was me~ whale whale whale what do we have here~ It's kinda weird she hasn't found out who I am, but anyway!
This year is going to be busy, I can expect. We'll be learning more and stuff and I've made a pact to study Japanese for 30 minutes every day. I bet I'll just floop and crawl away to read a book but so far it's been going quite good!

...
I haven't been writing much, as usual, though I've tried to embark on writing a short story in Chinese.
ES auditions! I was a creeper (since I wasn't allowed to help out for auditions) and I just stood outside the English Room, trying to see the new sec one candidates! They're all so fluffy and serious! I wonder if they'll be any fun. Still, they looked scared stiff while having the interview.
I have to read the Opinion section of the newspapers to strengthen my essay skills and whatnot but the way they write is kinda... boring. None of them have provocative statements, not any that I noticed, that is.

I guess- that's really all.
I just need to start revising some stuff and do homework for Art. I hate it when all the teachers expect us to be good at everything and sleep early at the same time D:

Bai!

Happy 2013!

It's a new year, isn't it?

One more year.

I don't know, I just don't feel like it's 2013. Maybe it's on the calendars, on my phone, the dashboard of my dad's car...
It's kinda uncomfortable, you know.

Time's flying past. Everything's changing.
I've definitely changed.

One year- one year of a different environment, different friends and pretty much everything's changed. I'm not sure if this new development's good or bad, you know. It's nothing like turning completely evil. I'm still pretty much kind-hearted (I guess) and I believe everyone's nice, no matter how much I might dislike the person at first sight.

I attended the 6E party - two years ago (technically, although it feels like 2012 to me, right now) late December, and now. I don't know. It seems meaningless, anyway. I mean, what do we do there- what do I do there? I'm just going to sit around and look awkward. It makes me lonely. It makes me feel vulnerable, in a sense. Being in a crowd of courteous, happy faces, yet never quite fitting in.

People are irritating, though. I guess.

Change is inevitable. Change comes.

Tomorrow's the first day of school, and I'll be helping out with the secondary one orientation. It's confusing and I doubt I'll get by the day without getting scolded. Anyway, I'll just do my best and try to enjoy- life's passing by so fast.

I look at Brig's profile picture on facebook, and I don't think I know her- it's like deja vu, all over again, except I know that I do know that girl. But the girl beside her... I took quite a bit to recognise her, even though I was still skeptical. Phaedra. I'm not sure what I expected, actually. Maybe when I was still twelve, just after graduation, I expected to remember them. I don't know, really. All these words, clumsy phrasing- I'm just tired. I'm so tired, I don't know why. I'll have to get hyper tomorrow, though! I'll be hypering around all those shy secondary ones, so!

...
Let's hope 2013 will be a nice year.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary.
I'm in a pool of self-hate, but I'm still happy and I'm excited yet exhausted.
And then there's BSE, so I'll be free to completely shut myself from the outside world, if I want.

I kinda want to go to RGPS' CNY next year. I don't know why.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

HO HO HO
this is extremely short and stupid.
BUT
MERRY CHRISTMAS :D

MAY SANTA VISIT YOU AND GIVE YOU A POTATO!