surrounded by books but never reading them

In the school library now with Cindy, my surrogate mom XD haha, no she's a friend but that's a story for another day in another universe where I will be much much more talkative (okay, that's just plain scary).

I should be working. Seriously.
Science SIA, LA presentation, Math SIA.
...Chinese, too.

And Geog quiz tomorrow even though I don't understand what the teacher's saying.
...

Anyway, WSC training has started! Yay! My senior-coaches are sadistic but the first training was fun! We also need to write a substantive that's due tomorrow, midnight. YAY I HAVEN'T STARTED ON ANYTHING.

...At least debate seems quite fun.

Cindy's browsing through art books and whatnot and showing me lots of lovely pictures that simply punctuate and cripple my fragile pride. I wish I could draw that well. And write. And be smart. And survive, simply put. I'm weighing my options, for my subject combination at the end of this year. I don't know why either, but it sounds terribly important (and yes it obviously IS) and as far as I know, time will just fly fly fly and before I know it, I'm dead.

CCA tomorrow! I can't wait to start on digital story telling and meet my juniors! Trust me, entering my CCA is the equivalent of a one way ticket to insanity. But at least there're some... sane people who honestly aren't that sane after my batch's fluffinating.

Recently, I've been finding the faults in people to be really annoying but let's face it, I'm extremely annoying too so... Moot point. But. I'm even starting to doubt the closest of my friends (though I doubt my intentions all the time) and. It's not nice, you know. Technically, this behaviour will be attributed to -uh- hormones or character development/growth and such.

I'M HAVING JAPANESE LATER YAY. That was not meant to be sarcastic... maybe a little. But at least it's much more enjoyable than last year's. And easier to understand.

I'm beginning to see the cracks in my class. I don't like that. And I can hardly discuss it with my classmates because that's just plain tactless, like I am.

...

Ah well.

LET'S WORK ON THE GREAT DEPRESSION WHICH MAKES ME SO DEPRESSED I WANNA VOMIT OUT SKITTLES AND POTATE.

siiiiiiiiigh.

Heyo!

Hello!

Sorry for the absurdly late post!

I haven't been blogging for a long time- but hey, who even reads my blog! :D

Anyway, a new school year has started and I'm staying in the Boarding School. It's quite fun and I've been studying much much more. I guess that's the result of ultra slow wifi, heh? :D
I don't really know what to update. Ah! I've got a mortal! Like- angel and mortal system! And she's quite cute :D I saw her on Friday but she didn't know it was me~ whale whale whale what do we have here~ It's kinda weird she hasn't found out who I am, but anyway!
This year is going to be busy, I can expect. We'll be learning more and stuff and I've made a pact to study Japanese for 30 minutes every day. I bet I'll just floop and crawl away to read a book but so far it's been going quite good!

...
I haven't been writing much, as usual, though I've tried to embark on writing a short story in Chinese.
ES auditions! I was a creeper (since I wasn't allowed to help out for auditions) and I just stood outside the English Room, trying to see the new sec one candidates! They're all so fluffy and serious! I wonder if they'll be any fun. Still, they looked scared stiff while having the interview.
I have to read the Opinion section of the newspapers to strengthen my essay skills and whatnot but the way they write is kinda... boring. None of them have provocative statements, not any that I noticed, that is.

I guess- that's really all.
I just need to start revising some stuff and do homework for Art. I hate it when all the teachers expect us to be good at everything and sleep early at the same time D:

Bai!

Happy 2013!

It's a new year, isn't it?

One more year.

I don't know, I just don't feel like it's 2013. Maybe it's on the calendars, on my phone, the dashboard of my dad's car...
It's kinda uncomfortable, you know.

Time's flying past. Everything's changing.
I've definitely changed.

One year- one year of a different environment, different friends and pretty much everything's changed. I'm not sure if this new development's good or bad, you know. It's nothing like turning completely evil. I'm still pretty much kind-hearted (I guess) and I believe everyone's nice, no matter how much I might dislike the person at first sight.

I attended the 6E party - two years ago (technically, although it feels like 2012 to me, right now) late December, and now. I don't know. It seems meaningless, anyway. I mean, what do we do there- what do I do there? I'm just going to sit around and look awkward. It makes me lonely. It makes me feel vulnerable, in a sense. Being in a crowd of courteous, happy faces, yet never quite fitting in.

People are irritating, though. I guess.

Change is inevitable. Change comes.

Tomorrow's the first day of school, and I'll be helping out with the secondary one orientation. It's confusing and I doubt I'll get by the day without getting scolded. Anyway, I'll just do my best and try to enjoy- life's passing by so fast.

I look at Brig's profile picture on facebook, and I don't think I know her- it's like deja vu, all over again, except I know that I do know that girl. But the girl beside her... I took quite a bit to recognise her, even though I was still skeptical. Phaedra. I'm not sure what I expected, actually. Maybe when I was still twelve, just after graduation, I expected to remember them. I don't know, really. All these words, clumsy phrasing- I'm just tired. I'm so tired, I don't know why. I'll have to get hyper tomorrow, though! I'll be hypering around all those shy secondary ones, so!

...
Let's hope 2013 will be a nice year.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary.
I'm in a pool of self-hate, but I'm still happy and I'm excited yet exhausted.
And then there's BSE, so I'll be free to completely shut myself from the outside world, if I want.

I kinda want to go to RGPS' CNY next year. I don't know why.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

HO HO HO
this is extremely short and stupid.
BUT
MERRY CHRISTMAS :D

MAY SANTA VISIT YOU AND GIVE YOU A POTATO!

Christmas in the Cave

My cough isn't getting any better.

I've been forgetting things and people far too easily. All I have left are just some memories, blurred and vague. Memories of people- those that look pretty familiar and whole but if you zoom in on them, you'll see you can't remember them at all. Maybe those are the memories to keep at a distance and never try remembering.

My cough isn't anything big. It just comes in small bits and my throat isn't that dry either. It just makes me feel like I'm choking. Choking for air. Like there's not enough, simply not enough air. Like someone's squeezing my throat and only allowing bits of air to enter and I can't control it. I try, holding my breath and not cough, but it just suffocates me.

Right now, I'm in the Christmas mood. Listening to Andrea Bocelli is lovely. He has such a nice voice and the Christmas carols he sings are all so soothing and relaxing, so homey and happy. So peaceful. I'm almost expecting it to snow, especially after listening to White Christmas by him. Here, in the silence of the night (with only the sound of my choking for air), I feel so comforted. Yet as I gasp and choke for air, my heart isn't thrumming wildly. It's just reduced to a warm, slow beat. It's as though I have conquered death (what a thing to say, I know.) and my physical self is decaying, but my soul is calmed and at ease.


I've been drinking green tea. It's bitter, but fragrant. It also warms my tummy.

I'm turning extremely nocturnal, and I think it's the peacefulness of the night that's luring me. I'm not tired. I'm just extremely peaceful, satisfied and happy. Happy to be away from people.

I'm also worried- well, not quite, seeing as I'm quite composed, my soul, at least. I've sunken into this holiday far deeper than the others. It's like all my friends have faded into the background. Like they are there, but they don't actually matter. Right now, I'm prepared for school. Maybe not quite, but the main gist is there. I've also grown terribly intolerant to people. I'm okay with my friends, because I know they're not quite human (potatoes, aliens, tomatoes, the whole lot), but when it comes to people, I dislike having to acknowledge their presence. This is bad. I'm reverting to my natural state- the hermit crab.

But they're all fading away. Like they do exist, but they don't. It's complicated.

The shooting in Connecticut. It reminded me of Faye-Anne. It's pretty dangerous there. And people who go killing little children. Why? I don't understand. Nobody does. Your thoughts are individual, but they're pretty much similar to everyone's, the way we live, in our own cultured society (or uncultured, but our thinking always grow from the same seed our parents or guardians plant in our heads). Anyway. I think we're pretty lucky to be alive, right now. That although we have a few bad people or some sick thoughts going viral in people's minds, humanity is good. Humanity is naturally good. And there are people who believe. These awful murders keep cropping up, but this one is much more shocking, like the other school shootings, because these were young children. Extremely young children.

Can you imagine? Hoping your mom will come, but instead being locked in closets or classrooms and waiting in the darkness, fear in the air while your young mind is in a whirl, worried, unsure. And then they tell you you've got to keep quiet, or you'll get shot. And suddenly you remember your mom, how you stole the last cookie from your sister, your dad who always hugs you when he reaches home. You want all of that. You don't want this mess. You don't want to die. You want to be home.

That's horrible. That's cruel.

I'm working on a play and I'm undecided on the plot and everything. I keep missing things out so the best way is to write it all on paper and get to know the characters like they're real. I've created the characters from the little traits of my friends. And while writing, I feel really hypocritical.

"Jack Frost nipping at your nose."

I don't live in a country with four seasons, so I don't exactly know what it's like to feel snow. It sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? How people in countries far away from the equator wish they could live in a place with stable weather conditions while people in countries near the equator wish for snow and the four seasons. I know how terrible snow can be, snowstorms and such.

I just wish Santa visited. Or at least, that I believed in him. I don't recall believing in many fictional myths. I just took them as fake. I don't remember ever having time for them. My childhood was pretty practical. I guess. Since we don't have a chimney -laughs-

Typing out the logistics for my mom and she says that it's what adults do when they work in offices.
I don't like this.
Although I've gotten the hang of it, I don't want to do this every day.

[irrelevant scientific facts: typing will burn around 29 calories per hour and the letter 'e' is the most typed letter of the alphabet and as you press the spacebar, 600000 people around the world are, too]

It must be boring.

Sigh.

Let the world melt and burn. But always, keep believing in humanity.

short, random, sketchy post

Wow.
I've blogged thus far.

So many posts.

My first post was on Pencils, on 7 October 2011.

It's been about a year and more since.

Wow.

That, is amazing.

:)

spiraling down to the end of the world.

today is 12/12/12.

I'm starting this post at 10:10pm.

Quite late, but still.

I'm in quite a good mood. Nothing too hyped up or excited, just serenely happy in a manner. Green tea's a better alternative than milo, I guess. My throat's better- I suddenly started coughing for no reason in the middle of the night on Sunday? I suppose? I'm still taking care not to eat anything too... heaty. So.

Today. I did practically nothing. I did stretching, and I'm glad I spent a whole hour on it. I don't know, but stretching so much and practically testing my endurance skills was just. It sounds masochistic, but I did enjoy it. It kinda took the stress off me. ((what stress when I've just been hoboing around at home?)) I sang a lot too, just random songs that came to mind. I'm pretty sure I traumatised everyone within ten-kilometre radius with my banshee-like-screeching-of-a-singing. But it felt good to have my voice somewhat back.

Even when I say I can't dance, I try. It does sound superficial, but vaguely... uh, dancing or waddling to the fast-paced rhythm of J-pop, it's happy and sweet and fluffy. Even when I know I can't dance, or look good doing it, I like to just- kinda- dance because it's stress-relieving, I guess. I stopped dancing since July, because I was sure it didn't fit me and I was a joke, trying to dance- but it's a good thing I started again, stretching and having fun again. I'm trying to pick up a few Vocaloid songs :D I bet those readers who know me in real life must be laughing at the thought of a potato trying to dance when she can't even walk without tripping. It's okay. I'm pretty proud of being such a klutz. Or a n00b at real life. This game sucks but I can't walk away from it.

It just hit me that I actually have blog readers. Like, people who actually read my blog. It's kinda scary, in that way. I guess I'll have to try to stop being so melodramatic and floop online to blogger whenever I have a bad day. My problems- if they even can be called that- are just. Insignificant and stupid and I'm probably just exaggerating everything. I mean, other people have worse days- much worse than mine. I should be happy with what I have.

I watched Undercover Boss today, while working on next year's- uh, work. And there was this guy, working the night shift at 7-11. He just told the boss (who was undercover) that he was indeed, chasing the American dream, and that he's in bliss now. He's happy with what he has, he feels like it's good enough for him, he doesn't complain. And I think about my life right now- close friends, free and relatively fast wifi, a comfortable bed and a roof over my head, with books and bananas and parents who are different from the typical parents, proper education... What more can I expect?

Of course, when I get sad and floop onto blogger, this whole thing will be contradicted.

I'm sitting at my dining table, there's a soft breeze and it's rather cold here, but it's nice. It's quiet, just a little too silent. I'm half-way through creating a video montage for my class and I might spend the night creating a fandom video, but I'm not sure. Sigh.

I'm surrounded by talented people.

Anyway. I haven't been writing much. I baked some cookies yesterday, but they seem pretty... inedible to me. But oh, my precious little dough circles. I think it's the flour. But I still have quite a bit of flour left, so I might bake some tomorrow.

I haven't been writing much. Instead, I've been drawing. I don't even feel shame for all the lack of writing. And my drawings are, as usual, terrible. But at least. I'm still trying out portraits of real human, and of course I've been dying next to my sketchbook, vomiting rainbows and unicorns because I've reached the point of no return.

I've succeeded in failing.

Recently, I've been extremely excited about my sister's prom. It's a YEAR away, so I must be going bonkers. I really want to try. You know. Helping her and all. Painting her nails. I've gone on tumblr and I've seen this new... thing about painting nails and it looks cool- YOU CAN PAINT WORDS ONTO YOUR NAILS.

((now trust me I'm not high. Not yet.))

Today is 12/12/12. I didn't do anything special at all. I just. Well. Yep. Nothing. People keep talking about how nice it is to have a repetitive date. I think it rather, silly. We're just counting down days and time till a special time and once it passes, we keep counting them down. What does it really matter, anyway? Time is only a word we fashioned to create a much more orderly society. But we've really, just been counting ourselves down.

-takes a sip of tea-

I look at people and just wonder how they want to do all those things, learn a different language, pick up a new skill, while I'm just here. Doing nothing. Of course, I've been experimenting with digital art, but it seems like I'm never going to make it. and it's rather useless, of course. Unless I become a designer which isn't quite possible.

It is, if I try. Hard enough.

Right now I don't even know what I want to do for my subject combination, which I have to choose by the end of next year.

I've been wanting to try painting. I'm hopeless at it, of course. Just dreams that'll fade away. Far, far away.

That's it. I'm just going to end it here, 10:44pm and continue with my video montage :)

Readers, why do you continue to read the life of a melodramatic girl who is untalented and silly and really just dreaming? Is it funny? I think it might be. :)

nine days away to the end of the world.

I can hear them talking about me outside.

How I cry too easily.

I don't know.

They don't understand my insecurities.
Even I don't understand why.

Why I'm such a disappointment.

Sometimes I think of how people can manage everything so easily.

I stalked a senior, just to find that when she was my age, she had so many commitments like Science Olympiad, Math Olympiad, National Debate, WSC, piano and other talent programs. She was able to juggle all of them so well and practise 1.5 hours on the piano and still feel unsatisfied, willing herself to practise more. She aimed to reach for the top three in her class because she knew she could do it.

...I feel so ashamed.

I remember trying to draw Benedict Cumberbatch, I failed miserably at it. At first it seemed good. But the longer I looked at it, the worse it got. Hair. Wrong. Everything. Wrong.

I'm pretty sure I was born wrongly, maybe I was dropped as a baby, that there was some malfunction in my body that made me unable to function normally.

I know I'm supposed to transform these kind of negative thinking into positivity, making sure I try my best to succeed at things. But sometimes when you've tried so damn hard and so many times you can't be sure, you don't. You just can't be bothered to face or acknowledge another failure. And sometimes you need to drown in your own misery and let it flow over you, rush over you.

I don't know what help it does.
But it makes me feel better in the end, when I'm physically and mentally unable to express my frustration at myself.

Perhaps it just means to clear your mind of all emotions, until you just feel numbed. Then you'll bounce back easily.

Writing this out. It makes me feel just that little bit better. I think I should continue with my journal :)