Meeeeeep
I'm really
kinda
a little
tired
as in
one eighth of an extremely tired thingum
I don't even know what I'm writing
and I wish I could write it out
but it's just a boggle of emotions within me
and I hate everyone because
expectations
and it goes both ways because I expect,
and they expect.
...
I'm really afraid of failing my math. Not those kind of low A1s, but really- C6, F9 etc.
And then there's LA Blocks and I really hope it's an argumentative essay so it'll be easier for me to write...
...
That's kinda stupid.
I just want to cry- quite badly, but I'll rate it a 6 upon 10.
I'll bet other people are suffering more than I am, but.
Honestly.
No.
Ugh.
And people who reassure me that I have friends-
that's the point about reassuring someone.
You say some nice stuff to comfort them,
then it's over.
And when you seek comfort, you are subconsciously willing yourself to think of whatever the other person's said-- are lies.
And in that way, you do not derive comfort, which is quite stupid, but I do it all the time and I end up bashing myself up
Thursday, 4 April 2013
Friday, 8 March 2013
I am an ordinary kid.
I don't have talents.
I'm not artistic.
I'm not athletic.
I can't do anything.
I'm basically worthless.
She literally told me I was worth nothing and because I was living in a community, I had to compromise and stop being so selfish. "What, do you think you're very important?"
This is my life. I'm seeing everything from my perspective. So yes, I am very important in my life. Everything revolves around me because this is my life. I am the main character of my story and do you NOT UNDERSTAND THAT IT'S SO TIRING TO HAVE TO THINK FOR EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU?
I've never liked myself. I hate the fact that I don't have the patience to go through with anything when I was young. I hate the fact I can't properly rally in a badminton match, that I can't write proper essays, that I simply don't ask the right questions. And as much of a hypocrite I sound like when I say this, I hate how ugly I am. I hate the way my legs are shaped, that my whole body was designed for bruises and cuts because I'm just too clumsy.
I was always in my sister's shadow. I followed her. I looked up to her. I was so proud of how she was so smart. I never thought I was anything. What I could do, everyone could do. What I couldn't do, everyone could do. I can't do anything. So I worked hard to get good results so I wouldn't simply be too ordinary.
So when I got into WSC, I was so proud of myself. I was a little relieved that there was another avenue for me. I was just-- so-- happy because at least I had some worth. At least I could do something my sister never did. I thought I was worth something. And now I'm having an emotional and mental breakdown because it is pretty pressurizing. I'm so tired, but I'm happy because every time I finish part of my dossier, I feel accomplished. I enjoy WSC and all the things I'm learning.
And I tried on the yellow blazer. It was awkward and all formal-looking and I just.
I felt bashful and almost wrong-- because I don't deserve all this. But something that had been repeated to me by my parents, "you got in because they chose you" came to my mind and I was sure I would try my best.
My parents tell me to take a nap and rest. I do that.
And I am aggressively woken up by her.
I just-- I've been unwittingly sarcastic. Okay, so that's my sense of humor. Would you rather I make stupid and unconvincing promises that I'd break? I don't like doing that.
And then I protect my granola bars, saying they're my support bars.
And she explodes.
"I am sick of your attitude, you know? You go around thinking it's a big deal you got into WSC and that the world revolves around that. What, you think you're so important? And you have to stop being so selfish."
A few points:
1. it is my life, and hence my world does revolve around me.
2. It is a big deal, to me, that I got into WSC
3. I think I am important, because if I don't think that way, I wouldn't be here right now.
4. I'm only selfish with my food.
5. You take my staplers and my stationery every single day. I don't even bother to get it back until I need it.
And now, I can't even cry because it'll worry my parents and that is a very selfish behaviour. I know my brother's demise has made my mom weaker, but have they ever thought about me? It's selfish, yes, but everyone is selfish. It's exhausting to have to think for everyone. So I smile my way through dinner and my mom tells me to stop doing that because it's worrying her. What the hell do you want me to do? You don't want me to sleep late, but you tell me to take naps. You don't want me to cry, but you tell me to stop acting like I'm alright. You tell me to confide in you, but you just tell me to get over the lines that destroyed me.
I know I'm worthless.
I just.
I hate feeling like this and worrying everyone.
I hate being like this. And you know what, there are times I really want to die but I know it's not worth it because I haven't even grown up and this is immature and escapism.
I want to hate you but I can't because I know that I'll never be as good as you.
I hate myself so much.
I don't have talents.
I'm not artistic.
I'm not athletic.
I can't do anything.
I'm basically worthless.
She literally told me I was worth nothing and because I was living in a community, I had to compromise and stop being so selfish. "What, do you think you're very important?"
This is my life. I'm seeing everything from my perspective. So yes, I am very important in my life. Everything revolves around me because this is my life. I am the main character of my story and do you NOT UNDERSTAND THAT IT'S SO TIRING TO HAVE TO THINK FOR EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU?
I've never liked myself. I hate the fact that I don't have the patience to go through with anything when I was young. I hate the fact I can't properly rally in a badminton match, that I can't write proper essays, that I simply don't ask the right questions. And as much of a hypocrite I sound like when I say this, I hate how ugly I am. I hate the way my legs are shaped, that my whole body was designed for bruises and cuts because I'm just too clumsy.
I was always in my sister's shadow. I followed her. I looked up to her. I was so proud of how she was so smart. I never thought I was anything. What I could do, everyone could do. What I couldn't do, everyone could do. I can't do anything. So I worked hard to get good results so I wouldn't simply be too ordinary.
So when I got into WSC, I was so proud of myself. I was a little relieved that there was another avenue for me. I was just-- so-- happy because at least I had some worth. At least I could do something my sister never did. I thought I was worth something. And now I'm having an emotional and mental breakdown because it is pretty pressurizing. I'm so tired, but I'm happy because every time I finish part of my dossier, I feel accomplished. I enjoy WSC and all the things I'm learning.
And I tried on the yellow blazer. It was awkward and all formal-looking and I just.
I felt bashful and almost wrong-- because I don't deserve all this. But something that had been repeated to me by my parents, "you got in because they chose you" came to my mind and I was sure I would try my best.
My parents tell me to take a nap and rest. I do that.
And I am aggressively woken up by her.
I just-- I've been unwittingly sarcastic. Okay, so that's my sense of humor. Would you rather I make stupid and unconvincing promises that I'd break? I don't like doing that.
And then I protect my granola bars, saying they're my support bars.
And she explodes.
"I am sick of your attitude, you know? You go around thinking it's a big deal you got into WSC and that the world revolves around that. What, you think you're so important? And you have to stop being so selfish."
A few points:
1. it is my life, and hence my world does revolve around me.
2. It is a big deal, to me, that I got into WSC
3. I think I am important, because if I don't think that way, I wouldn't be here right now.
4. I'm only selfish with my food.
5. You take my staplers and my stationery every single day. I don't even bother to get it back until I need it.
And now, I can't even cry because it'll worry my parents and that is a very selfish behaviour. I know my brother's demise has made my mom weaker, but have they ever thought about me? It's selfish, yes, but everyone is selfish. It's exhausting to have to think for everyone. So I smile my way through dinner and my mom tells me to stop doing that because it's worrying her. What the hell do you want me to do? You don't want me to sleep late, but you tell me to take naps. You don't want me to cry, but you tell me to stop acting like I'm alright. You tell me to confide in you, but you just tell me to get over the lines that destroyed me.
I know I'm worthless.
I just.
I hate feeling like this and worrying everyone.
I hate being like this. And you know what, there are times I really want to die but I know it's not worth it because I haven't even grown up and this is immature and escapism.
I want to hate you but I can't because I know that I'll never be as good as you.
I hate myself so much.
Monday, 4 March 2013
"Love is a much more vicious motivator"
tiny piece of fiction inspired by the quote "Love is a much more vicious motivator"--BBC Sherlock, Sherlock Holmes
_________________________________________________________________________________
"I'm going to kill you."
The dramatic tensions of staged play is killing her, even if the silences are too lengthy and quiet. There's a mix of macabre and irony within her words-- she doesn't know how she actually manages that, but the lines were written for her.
They were meant for her.
Somehow, though, she figures that little improvisations here and there wouldn't hurt. But the scriptwriter insists that this is the way the world works. This is the way the plot unfolds. This is the way her story starts, continues, falls, ends.
"I'm going- I'm going to kill you."
She falters with an accented anxiety, experimenting with the look of a bereaved child. While she can paint the crime scene of a haste murder, the culprit remains a mere patch of words. There is no life in the kill. Her culprit's a mere figurine or symbol of utter vacancies within the flawed manual of constructive set-up kills.
"I'm gonna kill you."
Dark comedy. A tinge of bitterness that'll induce laughter from the audience, all right. She can see through the psychological uncertainties of this culprit.
"I'm going to kill you."
Yes.
This is the one; she's taken her pick.
"I'm going to tear you down with sweet favours and whisper little nothings into your ears, promising you everything. You're gonna believe me. I'm gonna leave you longing for more, all defenses down. I'm going to lick you up, every last shred of dignity. I'm gonna leave you begging for more. I'm gonna leave you boiling in lust."
Her plan is simple, and so intricately complex at the same time.
"And then I'm going to leave you alone."
Love. Definitely a much more motivating factor.
_________________________________________________________________________________
"I'm going to kill you."
The dramatic tensions of staged play is killing her, even if the silences are too lengthy and quiet. There's a mix of macabre and irony within her words-- she doesn't know how she actually manages that, but the lines were written for her.
They were meant for her.
Somehow, though, she figures that little improvisations here and there wouldn't hurt. But the scriptwriter insists that this is the way the world works. This is the way the plot unfolds. This is the way her story starts, continues, falls, ends.
"I'm going- I'm going to kill you."
She falters with an accented anxiety, experimenting with the look of a bereaved child. While she can paint the crime scene of a haste murder, the culprit remains a mere patch of words. There is no life in the kill. Her culprit's a mere figurine or symbol of utter vacancies within the flawed manual of constructive set-up kills.
"I'm gonna kill you."
Dark comedy. A tinge of bitterness that'll induce laughter from the audience, all right. She can see through the psychological uncertainties of this culprit.
"I'm going to kill you."
Yes.
This is the one; she's taken her pick.
"I'm going to tear you down with sweet favours and whisper little nothings into your ears, promising you everything. You're gonna believe me. I'm gonna leave you longing for more, all defenses down. I'm going to lick you up, every last shred of dignity. I'm gonna leave you begging for more. I'm gonna leave you boiling in lust."
Her plan is simple, and so intricately complex at the same time.
"And then I'm going to leave you alone."
Love. Definitely a much more motivating factor.
Sunday, 24 February 2013
hectic periods of school life
There are always these times you just want to sink into the comforts of your bed and never wake up again.
There are times you message a friend, "I know you guys have work, too, but I'm almost breaking."
There are always times you have to scream, but you can't find your voice.
There are times when you can't find the x in your equation, tracing your problems with the tip of your fingers (you know it's gonna /burn), and you can't dig anymore to find the roots of your problem.
There are times someone won't notice even as you give a grim smile, the moisture in your eyes reflecting the hazy figures in front of you.
There are times someone will notice.
There are times someone will ask if you're alright.
There are times you cry.
You're not weak because you break.
You're precious.
You're strong.
And there are times, you'll smile again.
Even as you delete each letter of your silent, loud plea from the whites of your screen, you know that self-pity is never an ally. You are strong to know self-pity and escape aren't allies, and even stronger to not fall for them.
Stay strong.
I believe in you.
There are times you message a friend, "I know you guys have work, too, but I'm almost breaking."
There are always times you have to scream, but you can't find your voice.
There are times when you can't find the x in your equation, tracing your problems with the tip of your fingers (you know it's gonna /burn), and you can't dig anymore to find the roots of your problem.
There are times someone won't notice even as you give a grim smile, the moisture in your eyes reflecting the hazy figures in front of you.
There are times someone will notice.
There are times someone will ask if you're alright.
There are times you cry.
You're not weak because you break.
You're precious.
You're strong.
And there are times, you'll smile again.
Even as you delete each letter of your silent, loud plea from the whites of your screen, you know that self-pity is never an ally. You are strong to know self-pity and escape aren't allies, and even stronger to not fall for them.
Stay strong.
I believe in you.
Wednesday, 20 February 2013
Useless rant because language is a barrier
Chinese.
The way that the teacher looks at me when I say something, or try to contribute- it's irritating.
It's like she's just giving me that 'oh-I-already-know-what-you-want-to-say-and-besides-you-aren't-fluent-in-Chinese-so-hurry-up-and-stop-delaying-class-with-useless-opinions' look, and I can't really- I mean, of course I could be wrong, but the difference is stark when it comes to me, and other students of the class. If they're good at Chinese, she'll just be really happy and stuff. I mean, of course she's happy that her better students are speaking up and making reasonable points instead of me because I'm always a jumble of thoughts and contradictions. But the look of contempt (?) is just stifling and annoying. I'm trying to work hard in Chinese right now-- oh wait, please don't say stuff like "oh, if you're really interested in Chinese then you should just work hard or confront your teacher" because firstly, I've battled myself with this argument at least five times. Secondly, the matter of confrontation isn't exactly the best because I'm not fluent in Chinese and all these are pure assumptions which is killing me right now, because I don't have concrete proof-- what, use her facial expression as an excuse? I can't just hate on how people look- if she did explicitly state my opinions were useless then I'd have something to work my way with. But no, so I'm just a whirl of ughhhnehehehehehenononononough- why
...
this is stupid.
Okay, since it's stupid, I shall stop thinking about this and be a nice quiet character in the backdrop.
meep.
Sunday, 17 February 2013
I wish I could pirouette
no, not really.
I don't actually feel that way.
I mean, I tried dance, when I was really, really young and cute at that time.
And I sprained my ankle, which was a one-way ticket out of dance and to calligraphy.
I did quit calligraphy later on, just so I could sleep.
Abacus was boring, so I quit, too.
And piano.
It was hell, for me.
WSC training yesterday, and my aunt brought us all to watch a movie, hence I got back home at 2 AM.
Didn't get any work done, except more debate practice and trying not to look like a fool while my teammates (expert debaters) prepped me on what to say.
We didn't get to go and debate, but I'm sure that if I did, I would have died.
Research is lacking, as in, I'm dying for everything right now I just how do people manage their time so well.
My class' OM teams are in great condition, even with their hectic schedules.
And here I am, flooping to my death because.
Anyway, debate.
So, I've got no experience in it whatsoever but I'm just kinda happy about it. I don't know.
We've just got to act our way through it~
It's kinda good we've got extra help from our mentors, because I would just crumble if we didn't.
I've been first speaker for the last few sessions, and I think it's quite okay-- second speaker is just rebuttals rebuttals points, points, yay. Third speaker is probably hardest because you have to think as they debated on and on and you have to conclude everything to leave a strong impression on the judges woah. Yeah, but you get to go first if you're first speaker and you can't mess things up.
Mehhhh.
I should do Japanese right now.
Oh what was I thinking, blogging when I've got work.
PROCRASTINATION HAHAHAAHAHA no.
okay.
bai peasants.
I love you all.
I don't actually feel that way.
I mean, I tried dance, when I was really, really young and cute at that time.
And I sprained my ankle, which was a one-way ticket out of dance and to calligraphy.
I did quit calligraphy later on, just so I could sleep.
Abacus was boring, so I quit, too.
And piano.
It was hell, for me.
WSC training yesterday, and my aunt brought us all to watch a movie, hence I got back home at 2 AM.
Didn't get any work done, except more debate practice and trying not to look like a fool while my teammates (expert debaters) prepped me on what to say.
We didn't get to go and debate, but I'm sure that if I did, I would have died.
Research is lacking, as in, I'm dying for everything right now I just how do people manage their time so well.
My class' OM teams are in great condition, even with their hectic schedules.
And here I am, flooping to my death because.
Anyway, debate.
So, I've got no experience in it whatsoever but I'm just kinda happy about it. I don't know.
We've just got to act our way through it~
It's kinda good we've got extra help from our mentors, because I would just crumble if we didn't.
I've been first speaker for the last few sessions, and I think it's quite okay-- second speaker is just rebuttals rebuttals points, points, yay. Third speaker is probably hardest because you have to think as they debated on and on and you have to conclude everything to leave a strong impression on the judges woah. Yeah, but you get to go first if you're first speaker and you can't mess things up.
Mehhhh.
I should do Japanese right now.
Oh what was I thinking, blogging when I've got work.
PROCRASTINATION HAHAHAAHAHA no.
okay.
bai peasants.
I love you all.
Sunday, 3 February 2013
sleep is fluff
I've got work to dooooooooo
Lalalalala.
Nope.
Not gonna.
Sigh.
I want to draw some stuff but I know homework takes priority and that doesn't feel nice.
...
feeling insignificant right now.
If Caro leaves Singapore for Australia, I'll be really sad.
She's the closest classmate I've got. Other than sheeman.
I think.
I don't know what I am, honestly.
And I haven't written much because they're all on my tumblr blog. Even so, there still isn't much to write about.
Rachel T is going for WSC too! Wheeee :D except we're going to be competing with each other.
meep.
I've been sleeping quite a lot today, and I have a massive headache which is horrible because I just want to sleep and sleeping too much = neglecting homework = horrible, horrible, horrible me.
I wish I could potate passively and aggressively.
But there's nothing to think about right now.
My head just hurts a lot.
There's still Geog and History and Bio to revise.
Okay the title is stupid but I don't want to say anything else because
do you see what's wrong with the previous statement?
EVERYTHING.
oh god now my sentence structure sucks.
bleeeeeepp.
Lalalalala.
Nope.
Not gonna.
Sigh.
I want to draw some stuff but I know homework takes priority and that doesn't feel nice.
...
feeling insignificant right now.
If Caro leaves Singapore for Australia, I'll be really sad.
She's the closest classmate I've got. Other than sheeman.
I think.
I don't know what I am, honestly.
And I haven't written much because they're all on my tumblr blog. Even so, there still isn't much to write about.
Rachel T is going for WSC too! Wheeee :D except we're going to be competing with each other.
meep.
I've been sleeping quite a lot today, and I have a massive headache which is horrible because I just want to sleep and sleeping too much = neglecting homework = horrible, horrible, horrible me.
I wish I could potate passively and aggressively.
But there's nothing to think about right now.
My head just hurts a lot.
There's still Geog and History and Bio to revise.
Okay the title is stupid but I don't want to say anything else because
do you see what's wrong with the previous statement?
EVERYTHING.
oh god now my sentence structure sucks.
bleeeeeepp.
Sunday, 27 January 2013
surrounded by books but never reading them
In the school library now with Cindy, my surrogate mom XD haha, no she's a friend but that's a story for another day in another universe where I will be much much more talkative (okay, that's just plain scary).
I should be working. Seriously.
Science SIA, LA presentation, Math SIA.
...Chinese, too.
And Geog quiz tomorrow even though I don't understand what the teacher's saying.
...
Anyway, WSC training has started! Yay! My senior-coaches are sadistic but the first training was fun! We also need to write a substantive that's due tomorrow, midnight. YAY I HAVEN'T STARTED ON ANYTHING.
...At least debate seems quite fun.
Cindy's browsing through art books and whatnot and showing me lots of lovely pictures that simply punctuate and cripple my fragile pride. I wish I could draw that well. And write. And be smart. And survive, simply put. I'm weighing my options, for my subject combination at the end of this year. I don't know why either, but it sounds terribly important (and yes it obviously IS) and as far as I know, time will just fly fly fly and before I know it, I'm dead.
CCA tomorrow! I can't wait to start on digital story telling and meet my juniors! Trust me, entering my CCA is the equivalent of a one way ticket to insanity. But at least there're some... sane people who honestly aren't that sane after my batch's fluffinating.
Recently, I've been finding the faults in people to be really annoying but let's face it, I'm extremely annoying too so... Moot point. But. I'm even starting to doubt the closest of my friends (though I doubt my intentions all the time) and. It's not nice, you know. Technically, this behaviour will be attributed to -uh- hormones or character development/growth and such.
I'M HAVING JAPANESE LATER YAY. That was not meant to be sarcastic... maybe a little. But at least it's much more enjoyable than last year's. And easier to understand.
I'm beginning to see the cracks in my class. I don't like that. And I can hardly discuss it with my classmates because that's just plain tactless, like I am.
...
Ah well.
LET'S WORK ON THE GREAT DEPRESSION WHICH MAKES ME SO DEPRESSED I WANNA VOMIT OUT SKITTLES AND POTATE.
siiiiiiiiigh.
I should be working. Seriously.
Science SIA, LA presentation, Math SIA.
...Chinese, too.
And Geog quiz tomorrow even though I don't understand what the teacher's saying.
...
Anyway, WSC training has started! Yay! My senior-coaches are sadistic but the first training was fun! We also need to write a substantive that's due tomorrow, midnight. YAY I HAVEN'T STARTED ON ANYTHING.
...At least debate seems quite fun.
Cindy's browsing through art books and whatnot and showing me lots of lovely pictures that simply punctuate and cripple my fragile pride. I wish I could draw that well. And write. And be smart. And survive, simply put. I'm weighing my options, for my subject combination at the end of this year. I don't know why either, but it sounds terribly important (and yes it obviously IS) and as far as I know, time will just fly fly fly and before I know it, I'm dead.
CCA tomorrow! I can't wait to start on digital story telling and meet my juniors! Trust me, entering my CCA is the equivalent of a one way ticket to insanity. But at least there're some... sane people who honestly aren't that sane after my batch's fluffinating.
Recently, I've been finding the faults in people to be really annoying but let's face it, I'm extremely annoying too so... Moot point. But. I'm even starting to doubt the closest of my friends (though I doubt my intentions all the time) and. It's not nice, you know. Technically, this behaviour will be attributed to -uh- hormones or character development/growth and such.
I'M HAVING JAPANESE LATER YAY. That was not meant to be sarcastic... maybe a little. But at least it's much more enjoyable than last year's. And easier to understand.
I'm beginning to see the cracks in my class. I don't like that. And I can hardly discuss it with my classmates because that's just plain tactless, like I am.
...
Ah well.
LET'S WORK ON THE GREAT DEPRESSION WHICH MAKES ME SO DEPRESSED I WANNA VOMIT OUT SKITTLES AND POTATE.
siiiiiiiiigh.
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