Her fingers ache to tear away the canvas, taunting, haunting but yet so true. So true it makes her cry. Her fingers sift through the years, the memories compiled into a scrapbook that yellow with each lie that lolls about in her mouth. They are tearing apart, breaking down, drifting away with the wind. She can no longer remember Eden.
"Nox, I'm in Nox." she whispers to herself, reassuringly.
The chant has become a string, a delicate-oh,so-fragile thread between reality and desire. Her mantra, her lifejacket to keep her safe from the clutches of despair. No, she will not fall prey to envy. She will not coat her lips with the syrupy taste of jealousy. She will not remember Eden, she will not know of the happiness--there was nothing to be thought about of Eden, it was nothing but a place too far away for her to reach out for. A place for idealists, perfection, beauty-- nothing for her. Eden and Nox were words too different, like the like poles of a magnet (alike, in the aspect that only the most extreme superlatives can be used to describe them). Repel, repel away the thoughts, shoo away the emotions.
"Puppet, frayed, ugly, bitter. I don't deserve emotions. I don't, I don't." The blunt words pierce at her heart, but this is the truth.
She remembers The Casting.
"You don't belong here, you never will."
"Disgusting child, oh what have we done to deserve such devil?"
"Her heart. It's black. Her eye, it rebels."
"Don't look into her eye, sweetheart. It's a mirror."
"It's a curse, a curse."
"My Alice ! AliceohAlice with the beautiful eyes."
"She's nothing but a danger, her eyes, they rebel against our common rules!"
"Mom?"
"Away with her!"
"Alice, Alice, don't. Don't leave me!"
"Mom, I don't. No! Let me go!"
"You are naught but ugliness herself, your left eye, a curse. Banished to Nox, you will be! Monster!"
"Alice, my dear Alice. Don't let them take you away."
"I'm not a monster!"
"UGLY!"
"Shut up!"
"MONSTER!"
"I'm not a monster."
"GO AWAY! NO ONE LIKES YOU!"
"I'm not a monster. I'm not."
She left for Nox, even before The Casting. In the darkness of the night, she left. Comforting silence engulfed her and she never saw the need to hear those derogatory terms. She was a monster of the night, a monster of Nox.
"Alice, you have to know that your eye is a blessing." her mother pats her head.
"I wish I were blind."
"Alice!"
"That way I wouldn't have to see their eyes and look at mine in the mirror. Oh wait, my left eye is a mirror, right? Just good enough for me to peer in the dimmed light in Nox, isn't it?"
"Alice."
"I know. My left eye is a mirror. A devil, they say. The cards on the table do nothing but condemn me."
Alice flips her hand over to reveal the imprint of The Joker on her palm.
"Alice!"
Silence.
A joker symbolizes a loner, forever to be hidden in the shadows, to be avoided. Alice the Joker, she thought wryly. The name did seem to suit her.
But yes, there was no happiness in Eden, there was nothing, except the sprinkling of salt over her wounds.
Alice gingerly picks up the papers, stares at the scribbles once more. She stares at a drawing of Aurelia and her. Alice's fringe is long, too long. It covers her left eye. Aurelia merely grins and nudges Alice. Aurelia was the first to know her secret. She was also the first to tell it.
''Aurelia?"
"Yes, Alice?" Aurelia smiles, looking up at Alice.
Alice shuffles her feet.
"I have a secret."
The word lures Aurelia in, as she tugs on Alice's hand.
"What is it?" she mumbles, excited.
Alice pushes her fringe away and anxiously beams.
Aurelia falls back, shocked.
"Devil," Aurelia calls, disregarding their friendship.
Alice pauses in motion, letting her fringe drop back to cover her eye.
Devil. Aurelia called her a devil. Devil.
Alice stares hard at Aurelia's sketchy drawing. The lines seem to unscramble themselves to form a word. Devil. She wishes she could remember the happy moments in Eden, let the feeling of joy wash over her [for once in such a long time]. But there is nothing. Alice rethinks.
"The first time I got my flower."
It is blank.
"I received chocolates."
Blank, still.
"Rolling in the grass!"
Nothing.
"Singing with the choir!"
Blank, Empty. Nothing. Black. Fuzzy.
"You're nothing but a monster. Ugly, pathetic. You don't deserve Eden. You don't deserve anything."
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Oh what is this I don't even.
T.T
I was planning on writing to complete another chapter of Alice Apocalypse but it came out in tatters.
Oh, I'll just publish it and watch as you squirm in horror at the nonsensical stuff.
~o~
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Have fun scribbling your thoughts :D The pencil... is amused.