rant.

you don't want to read this. run. now.
before. it's. too. late.

Everyone's talking about the moosical, how it's so perfect and beautiful and how they all cried.

I don't know if I'm selfish for thinking-

that I regret not joining the moosical.

-just for the memories-

and it kinda hurts to be there.

I'm struggling to say, "I understand your pain."

when in fact I don't--

Talking to Eilun made me realise how stupid I was.
To think that eight months, a mere eight months-
that they were my friends already.

Their hobbies?
What do they like?
Their family?
Their birthdays?

I parried each blow with just a simple thought in my mind--
"I don't even know half my primary school classmates as well-"

but I do.
Or at least I think I do.

CCA kept me alive for the last few months.
I almost had-
well
it was really bad. At first because I couldn't really get into my school of choice so I kinda just got resigned to my fate and then I realised I couldn't really associate with people (maybe on the surface, but I was never--I was always a drifter). And then I thought that I could stay alone--after all, it was what I did mostly.
Don't trust anyone.
Don't-

And then I kinda just gave up. Writing everything down on a book until there were no more pages, drawing on a scrapbook until I just tore everything to pieces. I cried, sometimes, much to the befuddlement of my parents.
I tried to be happy, though.

I was smiling, crazily humming to myself.

Always alone in the line.

And CCA didn't start out all ponies and fluff.
I couldn't find the right words to express myself and there were so many-too many people who were better than me. Inferiority complex.
And then I just fell.

But I smiled throughout.

I hated myself for disliking some people and hated myself for being so weak
but it was all--
useless.
I mean-

So then I started being weird and insane and crazy and I just didn't care. But I told myself that I was happy. That I was going to be happy and soon I'd get out of this hellhole.

just like in primary school.

Then I woke up. I didn't want to have a repeat of whatever the crap happened in primary school. And I started getting involved, and I was happy.
Happy.

I'm not even as close to my classmates as I am to my cca mates.

I don't even know-

I don't care if they're ugly, pretty, smart, stupid, annoying, evil, kind, happy, sad, weird, random. I don't want them to leave.
Some of them might be real weird and crazy and insane at times but-
It was alright-
It was fine-somehow- because
it made me smile
it made me happy
it was okay.

and all that's left is nothing but a bundle of lies.

I thought-I seriously thought they cared-
I thought I knew-
I don't want to say "I thought wrong"
again.

but for now I'll just stick that mask up and
spin around in the corridor, happily humming the tune of "Enchanted"
and offer virtual waffles to whoever who wants them.