11 October 2011

Sigh. What am I doing? I have totally no idea at all. It kind of bugs me, how I should be feeling sad, but I feel numbed anyway. Maybe I have mastered the art of numbing my feelings. :D

I stare at your back for a long time, wishing, hoping with all my heart that I would just be able to catch sight of you. Stalker-like much, no? Well, back to the point. I stare again, this time, tilting my head slightly downwards and pretending to be engaged in the phone conversation. I look up and see you staring. Right in front of you is another friend. She smiles and I too smile aimlessly back, not sure if I'm smiling to you or her. I fold my other arm across my stomach, still hesitating as I press the phone closer to my ear, ignoring the irritating buzzing sound that meant that it was still dialing. I get distracted for a while, trying not to think about you. I look up and see that you have disappeared from my point of view. I speak carelessly into the phone, murmuring the usual phrase; "Are you picking me up? No? Okay, I'll go home by myself."

The other friend bids you goodbye, looking very enthusiastic and waving happily, giggling. I sigh, still hesitating. The truth is that I don't know how to face you yet, since we haven't really been on speaking terms these days. You are leaving, and you turn back to wave once more. I bite my lip and hesitate, before raising a shaking hand and somewhat waving you goodbye. I turn to leave, trying not to trip over all the bags. On my way out, I hope you weren't somewhat offended by my attitude. The fact was that I didn't know how to face you, since we rarely had any topics to talk about and the only exchange that we had was just a smile when you turned back. My smile was confused and hurt, but I didn't know. You pressed your lips into a single line, looking as though you were smiling, but I didn't know. You turned back away and I can finally breathe.

I should be more sociable, more friendly, since this is our last year and the last time to create more memories. But being like a Cancer, I was just too hesitant, too afraid. I didn't want to get hurt again. So like the coward I was, I merely glanced out of my protective windows, hugging my plushie tight to my chest, to cover up the hole that had been burnt there.

I'm scared; I really want you to know my thoughts, but I'm afraid you would be disgusted, or even hate me. So I'm trying to seal up the cracked windows with wooden boards, locking myself in my fortress, free from sadness and disappointment, but also pushing out happiness and excitement.

I like to write in present tense, even though it isn't grammatically right. So there :D That was such a touching story, something I think I can relate to at certain points. Taken from parts of my dream and mixed up with reality and a dab of my imagination. But seriously, most of it is real.